Go!

In about 1 week...

...My husband and I will have been married for 5 months.
...I have been not working for the past 6 months.

I am embarrassed that so few things were accomplished during that time.  It was a terrible waiting game primarily due to the optometric license.  It was difficult to make solid plans because interviews could be scheduled at any time and I was so eager to find a job.  Plausible work dates were being made, but license may or may not be in by that time.  It was and still is a frustrating time (yes, I am still waiting for my license).

I was so dry, bitter and gave into sin many many times.

I would turn to my parents and friends for immediate comfort.  I was glued to social media because it was a way for me to get in touch with people and see how they were doing, instead of me messaging them all the time.  I did not turn to God and refused to open up the Bible.  I wanted a quick "tangible" fix, I liked that they understood me.

But all their words and comforts would be a very temporary band-aid and I would be back to my upset self.  I thought venting to them or having some kind of human interaction would help decrease my negative feelings and anger, but I realized I felt more justified with the way I felt and blow up at my husband.  I wanted to blame him that I was in this state because of him.  I was unsatisfied with pretty much everything and would make him feel my misery.

My husband was being sucked dry to the bone -- exhausted from resident life, being on call, studying, and rubbing shoulders with acrimonious people.  On top of that, he was constantly worrying about his mom, bravely battling the difficult pancreatic cancer on the other side of states.  On top of that, he would come home and tend to his wife who had unpredictable emotions stemming from feelings of loneliness, uselessness, and intense dark anger.

But during his MOST difficult time in life, he was still trying to love me.  Yes, there were times when my husband fought back.  But all in all, he would be the first to comfort me, understand me, affirm me, and love me.  I could not understand where he was coming from.  How can he love me when he is stuck with, literally, the worst and ugliest person he has probably ever met?

Today, I came across a stranger's picture.  She looked so lovely holding her daughter and it seemed like she was getting ready for her sister's wedding.  I know it sounds stalker-ish, but I had a strange feeling because I felt so drawn to and connected her.  I was surprised that she was also married to an ophthalmologist who was the same age as Alex and went through a similar track as him--took some time off after college, went to medical school, took a year off during medical school to do ophthalmology research, and then got matched to ophthalmology.  They had dated longer (seemed like 3 years) and were married for 3 years longer (oh gosh, okay yes, I am definitely a stalker).  That meant she probably went through similar things as me: where her husband was too busy and exhausted at times, and she would move around for him and look for jobs.  She, too, was educated (much more educated and accomplished than me) and had a professional degree under her belt.

However, the stark difference between her and me was how the situation was handled.  She tenderly and faithfully relied on God from the beginning.  Just her whole attitude and aura, was graceful, encouraging, and lovely--constant through all those years.  There was no bitterness, just endless love and opportunity.  Suddenly, I had a pang of desire to have a heart like hers.

So I pulled out my Bible and did my first personal quiet time this year in a long time.

petty little stressors

1. Buying bedsheets, bedlinen, duvet - it's a whole new world for me.  what is this linen count?  i know that more linen count = warmer, but how much warmer? what cover is considered good quality? how do i know if this huge sheet will make our room look better or cozier or worse?  i need an interior designer.  i want to purchase a nice duvet for our comforter, but i have NO idea what the size is...i am just going to assume that it is a king sized comforter..........................MUST USE THIS OPPORTUNITY OF 50% OFF SALE FROM MACYS OR ELSE I WILL HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER TWO MONTHS FOR AN UPCOMING SALE, JUST BUY.

2. Buy dinnerware - omigoodness, where to start?  i just want something simple and white, but why are there so many different kinds???  i have to start thinking if the shape will be ergonomic when washing dishes (like little studs on the plate will have food stuck on it more easily).  my mom says "pick the one that will make the food look tasty" - but it's hard to tell when you have a white circle dish vs. a white circle dish with a mild bordering bump...do borders around dishes make it look tastier?  what about the one with butterflies and bugs on it?  how is that supposed to make a dish look tastier?  prettier maybe...tastier?  i would be distracted i think...am i going in the right direction with deciding which dish design to get?  GUHHH TOO MANY CHOICES.  LORD, I NEED THE GIFT OF HOMEMAKING DISCERNMENT.

3. Deciding what to make for dinner - cooking aint no problem for me, in fact, i enjoy it.  the least favorite part of my day is dishwashing.  don't get me wrong, my husband does a lot of dishwashing for me, but it is crunch time for him and i feel like it would be nice if i did it instead so he would have the 15 minutes to resting or studying.  but anyway, deciding what to make for dinner or for my husband's lunch is not an easy task.  so many factors come in: what do we have in the refrigerator, should we eat this again?  should i learn something new?  do i have the ingredients?  do i walk to trader joes and save money?  or do i walk to rittenhouse market and save time?  is there enough protein in today's meal or vegetables?  if i try something new, will it taste good?  BLAH!

4. Money when grocery shopping - okay, i admit, i used to be one of those people who NEVER looked at price tags or compared prices.  if i wanted something, i would just get it and enjoy it.  i remember my friends from optometry school, whenever we carpooled to get groceries together, they would have this horrified look on their faces when i would just throw things in the cart and not know the prices.  nowadays, i am comparing prices of canned chilis.  why is it so much more expensive at this marketplace vs. the other grocery store, but the price on steak is the other way around?

5. Deciding to go outside - wash my face, brush my teeth, apply make up, get ready.  i need to work out. i should get fresh air. i can discover something new.  vs. it is so damn cold outside and it is so warm at home.................HOME IT IS.

6. I get so easily distracted nowadays.  Here is a typical day:
   I need to study (starts studying)
   but it would be so nice if I could study in comfy clothes (looks through drawers)
   Hmm...looks like I need to do laundry (takes out laundry towards the kitchen)
   Ooo, I need to do the dishes (starts doing dishes)
   Oh but I need to prep for dinner (stops dishwashing and looks through refrigerator)
   Yumm, this yogurt is so good (starts eating yogurt)
   I wonder what is on tv while I finish this yogurt (turns on console and watches a drama for 10 minutes)
   Ooo the actress has such nice skin, I should work out (goes back into room and looks up workout classes)
    I wonder where this gym is at (proceed to look at GoogleMaps)
    Man, i feel like traveling, how far is Iceland from here (.....THIS GOES ON FOREVER).
THEN I REALIZE I HAVEN'T DONE $HIT until my husband calls me and tells me he is on his way home.  TIME TO MAKE DINNER!  (ooo but the laundry is out here, I should do laundry...)
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

welcome to the petty realm of sandra's mind

FOREVER LEARNING!

Felt quite productive today and decided to try a new recipe: dduk gook, rice cake soup (usually served during lunar new years)  Why?  Because my husband likes soupy things and I was craving something dumplingy.  I am so good at describing things.

I was excited to make it and the progress was going well -- the soup was tasty, made the broth myself (anchovies, dried dashi, beef brisket and shiitake mushrooms), roasted the seaweed, made perfect diagonal green onion slices and Korean decorative yellow egg slivers.  Except I forgot that once you add rice cakes, you need to consume right after or else it will get super soggy.

Husband comes home in about 2 hours and I have already added in the rice cakes...I hope he likes porridge...

:'(

Anais Nin

one of my favorite writers and poets of all time :)

i thought this was amusing (backstory, she was married to mr. guiler on the east coast but fell in love with mr. pole and got "married" to him in the west coast):

[Anaïs] would set up these elaborate façades in Los Angeles and in New York, but it became so complicated that she had to create something she called the lie box. She had this absolutely enormous purse and in the purse she had two sets of checkbooks. One said Anaïs Guiler for New York and another said Anaïs Pole for Los Angeles. She had prescription bottles from California doctors and New York doctors with the two different names. And she had a collection of file cards. And she said, "I tell so many lies I have to write them down and keep them in the lie box so I can keep them straight.

how bold of her

Day 64 of no work - Petty Thoughts

1.  Every.single.darn.time I pass by a jar or bagful of pre-peeled garlic, a mini thought battle goes on.  We go through about 5 bulbs a week.
     - This would save me so much time...
     - But you have a lot of time on your hands
     - My fingers won't hurt as much if it is peeled already for me!
     - True, but garlic tastes better straight from the bulb
     - Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, my husband won't notice a difference, besides my hands smell after peeling garlic...
     Somehow the fresh garlic always wins.

2. I love cutting the following:
    - green onions: the fat fresh ones just chop so cleanly
    - kimchi: satisfying bite sized pieces
    - my hair: I feel like a brand new person!

3. The following, not so much:
    - mincing garlic: literally flies everywhere.  is it my mincing technique that sucks or is the knife not of good quality or garlic giving it's last fling before it's ultimately sacrificed for dinner?
    - onions: there is not enough space in the kitchen to do it by the running water.  tears...tears everywhere.
    - my hair: I quickly realize that it is the same haircut I have been having for the past ten plus years.  Guhhh... I really want to try something new and becoming :(
    - lint on my pants: they are the kinds that the sticky tape cant pull off, you literally have the shave off the lint with a razor.  is it my fault that it gets linty or the pants of poor quality?

4. Still waiting for my Pennsylvania license to come in.  During my free time how come I don't maximize it?  How come I would rather fill it with working?  Is it because I have nothing else I want to accomplish?  Nonono... Sandra dig deep!  Excavate and do everything you wanted to do that you have tucked away in a dusty stale place.  Come on!  Let the light shine upon it permanently.

5.  I love listening to different versions of Moon River.  Particularly the jazz and ukulele versions :)


Not so petty thought:

Believe it or not, I had a fat mourning period.  It literally lasted a solid month as soon as I moved to Philadelphia to be with my husband.  I thought it would be easy to move and start a life with the man I love in a city I have lived in before, but I (actually, we both) definitely underestimated it.  It was perhaps one of the most emotionally tumultuous experience I had ever gone through (probably for my poor husband, too).  I felt incredibly unhappy, insecure, and empty for a multitude of reasons.  I did not want to do anything, I was so dissatisfied with where and who I was.  Finally after about one very very difficult month, I am slowly coming out of the hole thanks to daily prayer and quiet time with my husband.

Strawings is married!

I know, you have been with me for so long (which is FANTASTIC).  I read my old posts and I see how much I have grown.  I am thankful that I documented my journey from a young girl trying her best to navigate through life, who was unsure of her career, going through health scares, to a wiser (though I am still learning and getting humbled) being who has a lifelong partner.

I only wish I were able to document my relationship with my husband before we got married--it is a pity usually I post things when I am under the weather, lonely, lost.  I was always happy with him and rarely ever drew pictures because...I never felt empty.

Right now I am in Philadelphia.  I know!  Who would have known I'd be back--only God.  He knew it would be easier for me to say yes and move for my husband because I was familiar with the area :)  His plan is SEAMLESS.

Currently I am settling in and waiting for my Pennsylvania license to come in.  Here are quick updates/notes:

1. I have been married for one month!  We are still learning so much about each other and understanding where we are coming from.  Will expand more, perhaps in another post.
2. 99% of my friends from PA are no longer here (boo)
3. Sure there are some long days, boring days, gray days, cold days, very cold days, and FRIGGIDY COLD days, but I try to stay busy.  It is so strange, I get all pumped up to improve this home and I have ideas of what we need.  But as soon as I hop online, I have the hardest time buying even a single item--I research, look at reviews, compare quality and prices.  Then when I add the desired item to the cart, LITERALLY, it is dinnertime.  I get sick of looking at the computer and sitting on my bum, so I start cooking--which is surprisingly fun.  I repeat my ritual the next day--except, the item in my shopping cart no longer seems appealing so I start from ground zero again.  I AM MENTALLY PRODUCTIVE BUT THERE IS NO TANGIBLE RESULT! HOW CAN THIS BE???  So I delegated the responsibility to my sister who is currently at home for two weeks recovering from a bunion surgery.  She said she was bored and I was indecisive.  Thank you <3