Random thoughts...

I think we forget that mothers need mothers.  I am sure at some point, a parent no longer wants to be a parent.  That they just want to be cared for like a child.  I know my mom talks to her sisters and her own mother.

I wonder how my dad is able to keep calm and handle everything.  Who does he talk to..to release stress?  I'm sure he prays about it...but it makes me amazed at his strength.  He hasn't had a father since he was 20.  How did he know to how become this wonderful and strong?

How do you go about that?

Decisions and Options

Because of the flashes and stomach pain I have been experiencing, I have come to these two options

1.  Do not take any boards, but I finish clinic rotations (August), not think too much about health problems, and have a more balanced life, as well as going to my regular doctors appointments.  I prefer this because I can graduate with my friends and get the annoying part over.

2.  Do not do clinic rotations, but finish boards and intern at an office.  This is a good choice as well because it is less stressful in a way that I don't have to look for housing, make up days I miss for doctor's appointments, be more confident with my knowledge before clinic, and walk down graduation as "Doctor."

Either way, I probably wont get my licence until next year winter.  Sigh....life is strange.

New favorite movies

1. Painted Veil -  Simple story...but I loved it.  The setting, and characters...everything.  Edward Norton was a quiet and hard working doctor/bacteriologist who went to treat and keep the cholera epidemic under control in a foreign country, whereas Naomi Watts was a beautiful, fun and naive woman who just accepted Norton's marriage proposal to get far away from her mother.  I just love Norton's character <3 <3  I remember watching this in an airplane many years ago and still feel the same :)

2. About Time - this movie left a huge impression on me.  I loved it so much that I bought it on BluRay with 2 day shipping so my dad could watch it too, and I watch it over and over again like I do with all the movies I love.  You just have to watch it...the story is beautiful and fantastic.  I cannot express it in words...the writer is a genius.  Even with the ability to go back in time to fix things....the mistakes and details of life...the choices you have to make...when to let go so that the future can thrive as well...

낙화

Dream on.

Outside my window, thousands of invisible spiders glisten

In this sleeping city, they're weaving an ash gray web

Sinking like a sign on my desk, a pile of notes

I stoop my back and the pencil's lead drawing an underline

It may be so, when I grasp my already scattered dream,

I'll be fooled, wouldn't it be that, I've lived this far,

My empty hand full of fantasies, I've let go of the world?

Dramatic thoughts, now that I look at it,

Thoughts that I've scribbled in my notebook's blank pages

Thoughts like my dream, are they breathing inside me?

The more I go on, unbecoming of myself,

I'm attentive to the world

The more I grow, like an ashamed mother,

Should I let the knot between my dream and hand,

Loosen and come undone? That can't happen

This is clear, when the wind of reality, like a blind fog

Sweeps over the whole world,

Though I'll be just a torn scarecrow, I will stand fast

Though it be just a forsaken autumn night, I can defend it

For the last few days, I haven't been able to concentrate

The small void in my hand feels like trickling water

Everything that was seized in my hand

Perhaps I don't even realize it, I can't put down my pen

Being wary, being scared? I'm worried

Dream. It's an unattainable dream but I have a dream

It's a wavering dream, but I have a dream

It's an abandoned dream, but I have a dream

Live and die for this dream

A dream, the world turned its back on a dream so dishonored

A dream abandoned on the wet ground under a torn umbrella

A dream just thrown out; just a scribble, that's been erased

You say dream, just a word that's been forgotten

But today I'm still dreaming, an unavailing dream

Though I'm in the dark, I'm opening my eyes again

I will never give up, I will never give up. I have a dream

My dream, the dream of a dwarf treading on air

The dream of a blind man grasping the rainbow

The dream of an orphan falling asleep to a sweet lullaby

The dream of a bad son turning back time

My dream, the dream of every mother in the world

My dream, the dream of a mute singing a song out loud

My dream, the dream of a deaf man smiling to the whispers of the one he loves

Dream

Dream. It's an unattainable dream but I have a dream

It's a wavering dream, but I have a dream

It's an abandoned dream, but I have a dream

Live and die for this dream

For the last few days, I haven't been able to concentrate

The small void in my hand feels like trickling water

Everything that was seized in my hand

Perhaps I don't even realize it, I can't put down my pen

Being wary, being scared? I'm worried

It's a wavering dream, but I have a dream

It's an abandoned dream, but I have a dream

Live and die for this dream

Just dream. It's an unattainable dream but I have a dream

It's a wavering dream, but I have a dream

It's an abandoned dream, but I have a dream

Live and die for this dream

Yeah, just dream

Update

- still hemorrhages (slightly less than the beginning), ON edema (slightly less in some areas, slightly more in others), and tortuosity (i'll always have tortuous vein though for the rest of my life).
- i used to see floaters superiorly, but now have been seeing them centrally as well.  they look like circular donuts.  i am assuming they are RBCs
- i notice flashes every once in a while and a large floater inferiorly.  i had it checked out but the resident found nothing.
- i notice my enlarged blind spot.  i still see 20/20 and the blind spot is not annoying.  but i do notice it--right eye sees clarity to a large range, whereas left eye sees clarity in a smaller range.

my stomach has been hurting for the past few months.  i am thinking it is due to the aspirin that i took everyday during the summer--sometimes right before i sleep because i forgot to take it earlier.  it feels like something is piercing, sometimes i feel nausea and sometimes i want to throw up.  it hurts most in the morning, but lately it's been hurting at random times of the day.  i upped my dosage of zantac to twice a day.  i think my skin as been at its worst i've ever had.

i feel as though i will get better, but it's stressful thinking about all the doctors appointments i have to go to and make up days i have to do, as well as fitting board's studying.  i do want to finish everything before i graduate, but everything is up to God.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

God can bring peace to your past, purpose to your present, and hope in your future.

Lines

끝

Notebook entry in...

Late Nov 2013

Being in water is very much like being in a dream.  Movement is slower and harder to  control.  Even if you want to run, your feet are bound to imaginary sand bags.

I have not taken a bath for about year. 

It's always been quick showers and mind preoccupied by what I am to do next.  But over break, I was able to submerge myself completely into hot water.

I would just lie in the bath water, staring upward.  My face and toes are the only ones popping out of the water.

Steam is dense, visible and extends to the cieling.  I blow some air upward and wait for the undisturbed steam to stir.  It makes rippling swirls a few seconds after a powerful exhale in the light.  It is a waltz.

I like my bathroom light and skylight.  I feel like I am in the clouds.  Light, warm yellow and white...

Toss my head side to side and feel my hair undulating.  Sometimes I hold my breath and submerge completely--letting my face run into my hair.  It's soft and controlled in the water.

What do I think of?  Nothing.  I am being cleansed.  Soaked. Physically, mentally.  Sounds impossible but I think this is how a fish is.  Maybe I do think of things but forget it within seconds.  Like a fish, like a dream.

My body is weightless.  My arms and fingers gently afloat.  My breath is louder underwater.  My toes feel their way to the drain...I prepare for my departure.  'Tok.'  I hear the water rush down the thirsty drain. 

I lay still, submerged in water.

The water moves side to side on its own and gradually feels it's way dorsally.  My body begins to take weight.  I feel coolness at every centimeter the water drains.  My hair glues itself onto my head.  My arms are sinking.  My belly is cold.

'Schl-schlooooop!  Schloop.' The drain drinks the last of the water and I am back.    Heavy. Naked.  Looking up at the remaining steam.

"Hoo..."

I blow once more and take in the last dance.

I ♡ Nordstrom cafe

P1

NCBC ladies

Together since third grade...with more and more sisters added to our year...
So thankful for the amazing church leaders who dedicated their free time after work and loved us so selflessly....they definitely shaped us,  helped us make many fond memories--thus forming a long lasting bond.  We still talk and laugh about our childhood even almost twenty years later...

Spring 2014 and todays photo :)

Angels singgg

Evening walk

Kim Jung Hoon

Despite his parents being deaf and stricken with cancer, they were gifted a son with a beautiful voice.  It reminds me of old time Korea...like 1930's, 40's?  Warm, comforting.

My new favorite website

http://mymilktoof.blogspot.com/