Usually I use this blog to release stress/rant...so many of my recent entries may have been negative. However, the good news is, I have been healing from my CRVO :)
On November 9th, I had news from my favorite ophthalmologist in Irvine. The floaters I see will be permanent because any injection in the vitreous will cause syneresis faster, thus the collagen clumping will be seen and not disappear. As for the flashes, that will disappear. She says, again, due to the syneresis the vitreous will tug on the retina, then stabilize. Looking at the fundus, there are little hemes, distinct margins on my optic nerve, and no tortuosity--she said it nearly looks identical to the other eye. How could this be?! All the reitnal specialists said that the veins would be permanently dilated and tortuous due to history of CRVO; however, how am I to be completely cured from this? I just wanted to see 20/20 and not have any visual field defects, but I was given the grace to be completely healed...
My mom never comes into the room with me when I see my doctors because I know she gets easily freaked out and panicked when there are terminologies she does not understand. But this time I had her come in with me because I had a good feeling about it--I was seeing very well with no color defects. She was very happy and kept saying thank you thank you thank you, thank God thank God thank God. As soon as we left and got into the car, my mom started crying. Strange how I wasn't crying, but my mom was. She was behind the wheel and kept saying, "Let me cry, I am happy." I was about to cry, but I held it in because I think if I cried too, it would only make her cry harder. I told called my dad and told him the good news. I was and will always be thankful for their moral and financial support.
This whole experience made me rethink and realize how everything was so perfectly placed...How incredibly perfect God's plan is. "He makes all things beautiful in His time."
I remember at the start of my second year of optometry school, I wanted to quit. Everything seemed irrelevant--thus a waste of money, time, and youth. I was about to apply to dental school, but I was given a mentee who was at least 10 years older than me and was a former dentist. She quit her life as a dentist due to short shelf-life, and decided to become an eye doctor. How in the world did this happen? At that exact moment of my moments of deep doubts?
I am so thankful that God had my father change jobs from Korea to the California after my second year. I remember my dad telling me how he was humbled by working at a job that was not as high of a position as his job in Korea--where he was respected everywhere and regarded very highly. But I thank God that my dad came to California, back to our old home (!!) and had a humbling mindset. What would I have done without my family in California during the past year?
During third year, I became more apathetic and unmotivated to learn beyond the basics of being an eye doctor. I thought God had sent me to this profession because it would allow me to balance my hobbies, family life and job easily. However, NOW I think he sent me here to be there for the patients, especially those with diseases, because I know what it feels like to fear loss of vision, have deep uncertainty and undergo multiple procedures. This also triggered me to understand diseases at a deeper level and understand the high value of reading up-to-date studies and continuing education.
I have noticed change in my own heart as well...my work ethic has greatly changed. I am more punctual, disciplined (staying the whole time instead of trying to dash out early), and accepting of difficult staff doctors instead of firing back (well, not really firing, but I used to think that I could control all situations and deny certain staff doctors. Now I am trying to see it as something that will benefit me and not think that I am constantly a victim).
I FEEL what it means to be a doctor. Before I generically "knew," but now I think I've figured it out. I don't want to confidently and loudly say it because it's almost like a precious whisper...
It's not just something to make a living off of and maintain a balanced life. It is what Jesus has been doing all his life. It is the tiniest microscopic glimmer of His reflection--this immense opportunity to instill hope through the talent of physical healing. It's like DUH what took you so long? It's because I was so immature and foolish. I just wanted to be comfortable in the future and go along my own plans.
I do wonder what my attitude would be like if I were not healed. Would I still be thinking that God's plan is perfect? I know I would think it was still His plan. I would not quickly consider it as perfection in my own eyes. I am confident that my human faith would be struggling deeply and consider God's plan as cruel. I know...it is exponentially easier to say this because I am better now, but if anything were to happen in the future, I hope I can remember that Jesus does test--to train, to build trust, or else we default in trusting ourselves. I hope that when I feel like I do not have enough like "If only I could have better health...", I should still offer ALL that is remaining to God despite anger, sadness, and bitterness. He was able to feed 12,000 people with all that a boy had to offer: 5 loaves and 2 fishes. It takes faith, but he can and will still do work with you, and perform great things through your offering. "My God meets your needs." Philippians 4.
There are so many things I am grateful for. Even when I feel like I am lacking things, I always try to remind myself how I am thankful that I did not have to wait an entire year to be healed. I am thankful for being in the optometry field. I am thankful that I could go back to work and graduate with my friends I have been with for the past 3.5 years. I am thankful that my own optometrist discovered my CRVO and referred me promptly to the appropriate doctors--it reaffirmed the importance of optometrists and knowing resources. I am thankful for my professors who have been checking up on me and trying to help me by finding out a diagnosis/treatment. I am thankful for my friends who have been offering to drive me to appointments, sharing their own stories of dealing with their health that hardly anyone knows about, and just asking me how I am doing, that they are thinking of me. I am thankful for Caleb who stood by me and listened to me so calmly whenever I was terribly down, which was very very often. I am thankful that I am not only healing, but healing to a point where it seems like nothing happened. I am thankful for my family and the financial blessings, for I know it can be taken away as easily it is given. I am thankful for God's perfect plan.
