Baking bread is dangerous

 Little did I know...

undercooked bread can make you very sick!

flour = ecoli
yeast = stomach pain
raw egg = salmonella

There was a bit of undercooked part in my shokupan and ate it.

Praying I don't get sick....guh.

things to do today

 not much.

won't be working due to COVID.

it's been hot and, i hate saying this, boring.  i can't seem to bring myself to draw--sometimes paralyzed by what i see on pinterest or on instagram.

but here is a list i will try to accomplish today

1. finish rec letter for former employee
2. read at least 4 pages of book
3. translate 1 page from korean book

that is all....really hoping motivation or inspiration will come.  during this time, it's a precious time.  not everyone has this kind of opportunity.

thankful

the other week, my mom was telling me how she suddenly couldn't read the numbers on her camera during photography class.  she said her vision was a bit distorted inferiorly.

we don't look for zebras when diagnosing.  i considered possible cataracts, refractive error, epiretinal membrane or even macular degeneration.

but i knew her history of blood pressure fluctuating.  i had hoped it wasn't a blood vessel pop...but it was pretty common in folks my mom's age.

she went to the ophthalmologist who confirmed it was a longstanding BRVO (branch retinal vein occlusion) that finally manifested to some minor swelling.  he had also mentioned vitreous hemorrhaging as well--which is not what you want to hear for someone with BRVO.  it was possible that the longstanding BRVO didn't get enough proper blood flow to a spot in retina that it started making frail blood vessels to supply more oxygen.  occasionally those frail blood vessels cause bleeding and greatly complicate the treatment and prognosis of BRVO.

i was a bit in despair that my mom, who had always bragged her eyesight was so good (whereas my dad, my sister and myself were coke bottled four-eyes), was diagnosed in korea and here alex and i were in the field that could help her, but our hands were tied.  what was the point of going through all of that training when we couldn't even help our very own family??  that ophthalmologist in changwon said he didn't do any fluorescein angiographies and that she needed to see a retina specialist--which meant going to busan or seoul.  we even considered flying her over here and getting treatment with alex--who also had kaiser benefits that could extend to in-laws (oh thank you so much, honey!)

but thankfully, the ophthalmologist in korea sent the medical records over and she had actually a resolving BRVO and the hemorrhage was likely from an old posterior vitreous detachment (or even a retina tear--which was not found upon examination).  my mom and dad were slightly worried because they knew i had suffered from CRVO (100% of the eye is affected) and the risks that translated for BRVO (only 50% of the eye is affected with much better prognosis).  alex pulled some strings through his connection with other retina fellows who trained in seoul university--to which she graciously had my mom see a jules-stein fellow trained ophthalmologist within a week (vs 1 month out with other docs my parents tried to book themselves). 

alex was able to read the assessment and testings the busan ophthalmologist kindly sent over.  my mom was in good hands and prognosis was great.  she could just be monitored for now since it seemed to be self-resolving.  praise God! 

i was so thankful to alex, his retina training, his co-fellows and that he was in a similar field as me--he understood the very nature of BRVO and my experience with CRVO. 

My heart breaks for the state of the country

I had to deactivate my instagram--such sad news everywhere and surprisingly...people being so self righteous, pushing others that their thoughts are wrong and that THIS or THAT is the correct way of thinking.  I was so astounded and incredulous.  People trying to outdo each other in "what they know" and demeaning others that they are thinking is incorrect.

Some would say how horrible the looting is, others would say those looting is nothing compared to what the government loots the people.  WOW.

Some would say how bad they feel for those mom and pop shops (mostly run by immigrants), others would say that those people are privileged and do not know the pain of black americans.  I was at LOSS for words.

people saying...
"Black lives > Target"
--Of course!  Any life is worth more than a mere business!  If people believe that those innocent black people did not deserve such consequence, they are not applying the same belief through and through......but what did Target do to deserve this?  what did the employees do to feel such fear and have more days of no income to support whatever background their family is in?
"People should have expected violence and it is righteous violence due to the continuous injustice toward blacks."
--I understand but I will have to disagree...not like this...not like this...
"The looters are white supremecists"
--no...if you look at surveillence tapes--they're not!  They're immature young kids of multi ethnic backgrounds and various financial backgrounds
Protesters saying "Eff the police!"
--but there are those who protect us and risk their lives with loving families...

My heart just breaks...I understand where all these people are coming from...but I can't help to think...

Romans 12:9-21 Marks of the True Christian
let LOVE BE GENIUNE
ABHOR WHAT IS EVIL
HOLD FAST TO WHAT IS GOOD
love one another with brotherly affection
OUTDO ONE ANOTHER IN SHOWING HONOR.
do not be slothful in zeal
be fervent in spirit
serve the Lord
rejoice in hope
BE PATIENT IN TRIBULATION
BE CONSTANT IN PRAYER
contribute to the needs of the saints
seek to show hospitality
bless those who persecute you
bless and do not curse them
rejoice with those who rejoice
WEEP WITH THOSE WHO WEEP
LIVE IN HARMONY WITH ONE ANOTHER
DO NOT BE HAUGHTY
but associate with the lowly
NEVER BE WISE IN YOUR OWN SIGHT
REPAY NO ONE EVIL FOR EVIL
BUT GIVE THOUGHT TO DO WHAT IS HONORABLE IN THE SIGHT OF ALL
if possible, so far as IT DEPENDS ON YOU,
LIVE PEACEABLY WITH ALL
beloved,
NEVER AVENGE YOURSELVES
but leave it to the wrath of God,
for it is written, "vengeance is mine, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord
to the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink;
for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."
DO NOT BE OVERCOME BY EVIL
BUT OVERCOME EVIL WITH GOOD.

I am not saying we should be passive with the movement to protect our black brothers and sisters, but really need a better, higher and humble attitude that straight up anger and self-praising righteousness.  Lord please heal this country and those who have such a wounded heart.  Please open the heart of the government and police to see how our black brothers and sisters are so unjustly targeted.  You hate racism, you abhor evil.  You are a God of wrath and you are a God of justice.  We need your protection, we need your wisdom to how to better protect our fellow friends and let the hurt be known of our black brothers and sisters in a more effective way.  Let fingers not be pointed...let there be unity...Let us not be weary in doing good...As one part of the body hurts, the rest of the body hurts for that part.  Lord, how we need you.

Choosing to wait

A week after the HSG test, I had an updated consultation with the REI to which he said that we fell under the category of unexplained infertility.  I still had good quality eggs, despite low count, and Alex was a little south of normal (regardless, considered normal per REI).  He gave me the run around without pushing for one or the other (unlike the other fertility doc that said I had limited time and needed to do IVF asap).  He told me (Alex was at work) that we would only have a 2% chance of conceiving naturally and that he would recommend going to the next step of IUI (8% chance of success) or IVF (50-60% chance of success)--confirmed by online research.  I immediately said IUI would be good because Alex and I had discussed about the options earlier.  The REI said that we could get started in June.  All I needed to do was call him as soon as my first day of full flow started--which would be this Thursday (tomorrow) or Friday.

A month before I was seeing street signs that said "June" over and over again, and a dear Christian sister of mine had a dream I was pregnant and would be due in June.  I had believed that something special would happen in the following month.  I fantasized that the IUI would succeed the first time, just like it did for my family member and my friends, and that father's day would be extraordinarily special for Alex and my dad.  I was totally on board with IUI happening in early June.

But for some weeks, as I was reading scripture and praying, I had felt that I was doing things very much under my own control.  That I had doubted God's ability to make me conceive.  That I had distrusted God's faithfulness and goodness.  I was overwhelmed with fear that God would not want me to have children and have me suffer...like I had in the past.  I was afraid to be like those Christian women I saw in Youtube still proclaiming their faith yet desiring for a child during their 4th, 5th, 7th year of trying.  I was afraid of God's plan...Oh how easy it is to forget the grace of God and what he had done for me.  It was so easy to forget that he loves me and would never forsake me.  The world fully abide by science and data--it is ALL according to the Lord's plan.

Alex had also been praying and gently told me he felt no confirmation for IUI just yet.  It broke my heart because I knew I had felt the same thing.  I kept trying to find excuses of doing IUI and that it would be okay--his family member has done it, his sister who was an obgyn had advocated it, Christian mentors said God allowed science to help humankind, health insurance would be readily available (we would have 2 months without good insurance until Alex starts in September), that time was running out, that we would have precious 4 months wasted with waiting...I cried in frustration.  But my heart was revealed.  It was clear: to go forth with IUI would be out of fear and control, not with the mind that we trusted God's goodness.

Sarah tried to control the circumstances and doubted the promise of the Lord--had her very own husband sleep with another woman to bear an heir that would cause discord for thousands of years.  Saul did not wait for Samuel and fought with great futility against an army out of fear and had lost his right as a King.  I did not want to be like them.

So we decided to wait this month of June...
God knows our heart
God knows how much of a rush I feel that we need to have children now with the scientific facts laid out to us...
God knows that waiting this month is like sacrificing a bull for me...
God knows...and he is good.
Not saying that this month of waiting will bring a child of our own--it may be few months, a year, years
As much it hurts to think, it may also be never.
But...

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing?  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O YOU OF LITTLE FAITH?  Therefore, do not be anxious...For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  BUT SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND THESE THINGS WILL BE ADDED TO YOU."

But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things will be added to you.

Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and his righteousness.

I felt so much peace since deciding to hold off.  I would want to publish this right away, today is a Wednesday on May 27, 2020, but I do not wish to boast...

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other ppl in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."

Perhaps in the future I will...as I find more clarity of God's will for me and Alex as a family.

2 days late

cd   30
dpo 17
possible week 5 day 2

I feel like my period will be coming for sure.  My cramps feel exactly like period cramps--except more acidic feeling.  I feel...(TMI warning) like I want to poop which is my usual routine before a period.  I don't have any symptoms aside from slightly sore boobs.  I have dreams, but nothing about conception or pregnancy.

It's happened before....I don't want to keep my hopes up.  I want to pray to the Lord because I want to hope that this is it, but at the same time be ready for disappointment and trust in Him with all my might. 

Do I just wait until my period comes?  Do I take a test now?  I strongly feel like if I take the test now, I will get a definite negative.  My close Christian sister was also late and tested negative... sigh.

LET US REJOICE IN GOD'S DIVINE TIMING.

HSG testing

mini-update:
1. I noticed my period is no longer 8-9 days, but more like 6-7 :) (exercising and sleep helps!)
2. I'm pretty sure I have a mild form of endometriosis, but am thankful that it has not yet affected my ovaries, uterus, or fallopian tubes.  I do have pain upon bowel moments from time to time, more heavy periods, more pain, have longer lasting cramps (about two weeks) and once in a blue moon I will have an excruciating pain where I cannot go to work, am sweating, feel like throwing up and just on the ground.  That happens about once every two years or so... it's worse when I am more stressed, not sleeping well, not well hydrated.  It's crazy because I used to be one of those lucky ppl that never had any cramps with periods!



I was super nervous about this test--I heard way too many horror stories about it.  I feared the process, I feared the pain, I feared the results.  The test was ordered because of the irregularity of my periods and to check if my tubes were blocked.

The night before I prayed to God for a long while and tried to watch things that would make me laugh.  I started antibiotics the day before to prophylactically prevent possible infections and took 600mg of NSAIDs the morning of.  I shoved a scotch mallow Alex kindly bought for me to calm my nerves and bit into my protein bar to have strength for the test.  I reassured myself, 'This is nothing compared to what many other ppl have to go through...this is not cancer, this is not a brain surgery, I would much rather go through this than those other procedures and treatments.'

I arrived there early and they took me in early as well.  The nurse was explaining the procedure and was so kind.  I felt more pale and cold as she explained the steps that were going to occur.  She asked if I had any questions for her as she handed me my gown and socks.  I commented with a weak smile, "I'm very nervous.  I heard it hurts."  She slowly nodded her head and tried to reassure me, "Yes, it is uncomfortable and does hurt, but it'll be done in less than 20 minutes."

There was no going back--they only did this procedure on specific cycle days and it was the perfect time to do it.  I just wanted to get this over with.  I changed, slipped off my underwear, stashed the locker and went on to the sterile table with a lone pillow.

She showed me the instruments and fluids.  She said I was going to be okay and told me where to lie down.  There were no stirrups, I had to self open my own legs wide.  AAAAAANNNDDD this is how it went down:

1. Resident (ooo great, a trainee...) who looks like he is in his mid to late twenties comes in says that he will be doing the procedure on me and makes conversation to help me get my mind off of it.  He is in his final year and was going to do a fellowship in muscle radiology at Stanford.  He tells me his wife is from Los Altos after I tell him I'm from Palo Alto.  I am comforted for a bit, but I asked him, "Did you do this many times before?"  He answered, "I'm trained for this and have done it before."  That sounded singular.  I didn't want to press... Alex was a resident once.  And the truth is: you didn't know jack while training--I KNOW how it goes.  I screamed in my head, "GET ME AN ATTENDING."  But I just smiled and pretended to trust him--because if you don't, it'll make the resident more nervous.
2. He begins with the nurse next to him.  Puts in a speculum.  Can't find the cervix.  HUH?
He asks "You've gotten a pap smear recently?  They didn't have trouble finding it?" 
Me, very uncomfrortable, "...yeah I had it done in September and it was fast." 
Resident, "Hmm...I'm going to get the fellow."
3. In comes the fellow who looks like he is in late twenties also has a fat ring finger on his hand.  (Why do I care if they're married?  Because I feel like they would empathize with me more if they had a wife.)  I was totally thinking, 'Ahh..Alex, too, is a fellow.  He is still learning.  Also, you look young as well...Ahh.. Lord...'  He kindly introduces himself and asks if it's for fertility.  I nod.
He looks down and gives it a go.  He, too, cannot find it.  WHAT.
He asks for a bigger speculum.  OOF.  Does another go and even rotates it--pushes in and out.  I am digging my nails into my hands.  He still cannot find it.  W.H.A.T.
He says the lighting is bad and they all seem flustered.  Going back and forth saying, "Maybe it's the lighting, maybe it's the speculum."  I can tell they are trying to keep a calm face because they see mine--tearing, writhing, twisted, wrinkly, in so much discomfort and pain.  I ask if they can take out the speculum as they run back and forth like lost children and rest for a bit. I hear the speculum click little by little, make it wider and wider and I feel pain and so much discomfort.
The fellow says, "Okay, take a break and we will try again with a longer (LONGER????) speculum .  Dr ____ Let's get the attending."
4.  In comes the attending who looks no more than Alex's age and also with a big fat band.  What is up with radiologists having really thick wedding bands?  Great, they all look young and I'm just a guinea pig.  He nicely reassures me that sometimes these kinds of things happen.  He goes in again and the fellow is holding a flashlight behind him.  There are four sets of eyes on my hooha and the fellow puts in the metal speculum (yeah these ones hurt way more).  I'm writhing in pain as he pushes it up down, presses on my abdomen, and swirls it around.  The nurse sees me and holds my hand.  Comforting me and watching me. 
He says, "There it is!" 
YES!
"No wait, it moved again."  WTF HOW DOES THE CERVIX JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT.  IT'S NOT LIKE SOME KIND LIVING SCURRYING ANIMAL. 
He asks, just like the other two had asked, "You've had a pap smear recently and they never had any trouble finding the cervix?"
5. I ask choppily, "Should.we.get.the.obgyn.to.help.find.it??"  He looks at me sadly and shakily says, "Would you rather reschedule with the obgyn?  Because we can do that for you."  I am definitely having tears continuously run down my cheeks and very mucus-ily and weakly say, "No, let's try it again."  I came all the way over here, endured this and the timing is now...
He goes back down, "Alright, we will find it."  Finally he finds it after a few pushes and pulling--I see the clock, the entire search for my cervix took twenty minutes.  He inserts the catheter up my cervix and has the fellow do the next step.  They tell me I'm doing well and that I will feel a bit of pain and pressure when they put in the saline balloon.  I am still holding the nurses hand, "Okay..." In it goes, I feel like a burning knife stab into my uterus but it's only for a second--nothing compared to the speculums. 
6. They get the Xray above my head down to my abdomen area and look at the screen next to my head.  The dye goes in--it feels warm.  The attending says put the balloon lower about three times and they put dye in each time.  He asks me to shift my body (I know..how do you expect me to move around when there are things going on down there) to the right, then to the left to see the dye fill in my left and right fallopian tubes.
6.  They tell me it's all done and that I did a great job as they take out all the bells and whistles in my hooha.  The attending says my tubes are open and that it spilled perfectly out of my ovary area.  My eyes were still wet, my nose was still red.  The attending says, "I'm sorry you have to go through that, usually it's pretty easy to find the cervix and we are pretty fast.  It's rare to not find it that quickly, but it happens."  I nod and sniffle, "I understand, thank you and sorry it was so hard to find."  He said, "Don't be sorry, you did great and glad that your tubes are opened."  I nod with tears in my eye.
7.  They all leave including the nurse into the other room and I just rest on the sterile bed.  Breathing.  In so much relief that they were opened.  But so much heaviness on my chest...The nurse comes back with water and asks if I want to stay longer laying down.  I said that I will be okay as I sip the water.  She said whenever I am ready, I can go to the bathroom and clean myself up.  I thank her for her help and comfort and head for the bathroom.  There is blood all over my gown--granted some of it was betadine, some of it was my period finishing off...some of it I'm sure was from tearing...As soon as I sat down on the toilet, I burst into tears.  Relieved it was all over, that my tubes were opened, that of course something like this would happen to me, all my nervousness and anxiety just unloaded.

I wish Alex could be next to me during the whole procedure but he had to see his own patients and the COVID procedures only allowed the patient and no one else.  I felt so lonely and so scared--like the time I had my CRVO.  But it was an opportune time, just like CRVO, to lean on God again and again.  He always pulled me out of the darkness, never let the absolute worst happen to me...I trusted Him, I trusted Him...

It's funny because they said the worst part was the ballooning.  It was seriously nothing compared to "Where's Sandra's cervix" fiasco.

Afterward, I tried to stay up and eat delicious food with Alex, but I found myself in utter exhaustion around 6 pm and could not stay up much later.  I even refused Leo's tacos and my favorite evening walks because I was too tired.  Could barely listen to what Alex was saying or joking about....

At the end of the day, I thank God for his mercies, his grace...

Faith over fear

I am a person who is in constant fear--always expecting the worse.  My husband knows this so well.

For the past year my periods have been irregular.  The usual 5-7 days of bleeding extended to 8-9 days, and the cycles shortened from 28 days to 23-28 days.  This past month, I started spotting late mid-cycle and I immediately searched online for hours at a time of why I am spotting.
I tried to remain calm.  I tried to convince myself, 'Oh, it's just ovulation bleeding!'
Spotting goes on longer than 2 days. 'Crap, is this some kind of tear or infection?'
Spotting stops. 'Oh thank God!'
Spotting starts again. 'Wait what??'
Spotting goes for a week. 'It's cerivcal cancer.  I'm sure I have cervical cancer.'
Spotting stops. 'WTF just happened?'

I can take my mind to very dark places.  I always try to prepare myself for the worse.  I would rather exercise these thoughts than be happy and suddenly be hit with bad news.  Because I have been in these kinds of situations, I felt like the news I would hear wouldn't be as horrible as what I had thought and be comforted in a sense.  But who am I kidding--it's agonizing to go through weeks of mental torture just to have slightly better news.

The truth is...I am afraid to hope.  But God has always encouraged us to hope in Him.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
--Jeremiah 29:11

"And God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
--1 Peter 5:10

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
--Hebrews 10:23

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
--Isaiah 40:31

"If you can?" said Jesus, "Everything is possible for one who believes."
--Mark 9:23

"Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
--Philippians 1:6

"May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
--Psalm 33:22

I had felt my period cramps occur, once again, with absolutely no symptoms of pregnancy.  I knew I was not pregnant for another cycle.  Discouraged, nervous, feeling pressed with biological time, I hopped into the shower and prayed as I was washing myself (I know...but I do a lot of prayer when I am in the shower).  I prayed to convince myself in trusting the Lord's divine timing.  Dark thoughts began to creep up--if only we didn't have to undergo the brutal residency in Philly, if Alex had done it somewhere I had family nearby or had more residents, if Alex was more mature in how to control certain emotions early on...then we would have been able to have kids earlier...I would have enjoyed my life more...I would rather not be married and have no children...down down down, I quickly started to spiral...

But I cried out for sinful thoughts to stop.  Now I know how to stop myself.  I repented of not trusting His plan.  His plan was for me to be married--there is no use in denying it.  His plan was for not to have children at this time.  I reminded myself of God's goodness--how he healed me completely from CRVO, how he was able to heal my broken heart, transform the heart of my husband.  I mean I truly feel like I won the lotto with Alex as my husband.  At that moment...I felt assurance that, in His strange way of working things, the Lord gave us the time of quarantine to heal physically, mentally and relationally.  It was as though the Lord was telling me to enjoy this time of catch up, good healthy loving relationship and alone time.  A time of great peace between me and Alex before He was to introduce anything else into our lives.  I felt God telling me that chaos and busy-ness would unravel as soon as we were to have a kid--that this time was a time of rest and restoration.

I got out of the shower.  All cleaned up with the skin care regime that Alex had researched, bought and set up for me (I was so stressed out how bad my skin had become within the past few months from lack of exercise, energy, work and emotions): pregnancy safe vit C cream, non-comedogenic serum, PM lotion and eye cream.  I reflected on how Alex also had been helping me with sleeping more than 6 hours a day and exercising for the past month.  I was thankful to Alex and had a pang in my heart give him a child (I know, doesn't that sound so TRADITIONAL?? just shows how much my heart has transformed)--how happy he would be, how great of a father he would be...

But I reminded myself that above all my hearts desires, He knows what is best for me and that He makes all things beautiful in His time.  Whether we have children of our own or not, I will declare gratitude and hold onto HOPE because the Lord is good.

Revival

Been in the dumps...it was a relentless past few months in LA

-work was super busy--ended up cutting down more days (actually took one month off to recuperate...)
-alex and i finally took our week long vacation together at home.  it was much needed--work schedules (esp alex's for residency and fellowship) have not been kind to our patience, body, health nor our relationship.  i actually am greatful for coronavirus preventing us from travelling...we just really needed to be at home and REST.  sleep in, veg out, do some exercising, prayer.
-been working out lately--hiking and p90x at home.  thankful for alex to push me to work out



I found out my fertility wasn't too hot.  They actually advised me to do ivf since I had only few more years (few as in..2-3 years per doc) to try to conceive.  This was pretty shocking to me because no one in my family had any problems conceiving several children (my aunt got pregnant twice naturally over age of 40!).  I wish I could do all the testing now such (ie. hsg dye test, blood work ups) but corona virus has put all elective testing on halt.  After those few days of shock and panic of having difficulty getting pregnant, I'm not worried.  It's as though, I'm used to these kinds of news or these kinds of things happening to me.  They happen and God walks me through.  I survive.  Every.single.time.  It can get discouraging and so so tiring at times...but God never gives burden too heavy to bear.


Sometimes I get caught up reading about success stories in getting pregnant, reality stories of how long it takes, and articles on "how to be more fertile"...
sometimes I put in my judgemental self and say "oh i hope i dont end up like those couples that don't have any kids and end up doing dancing lessons/competitions."

lo and behold, two nights ago, i was watching silver linings playbook w alex, and we're like "wanna take dance classes?"  "yeah!"


God always teaches me that I can boldly say so many things and he will show me something else, humble me, yet be gracious to me at the same time.  If I am not careful in allowing my heart to grow bigger and putting down my pride, bitterness will come again and again to consume me and destroy my life and the life of my loved ones.  He disciplines me...I have a terrible trait of harsh judgement.

a few examples:
"I WILL NEVER MARRY SOMEONE IN THE HEALTH FIELD, ESP EYE RELATED"

"I WILL NEVER MARRY A KOREAN--THEY ARE SO OVERLY SENSITIVE, EMOTIONAL AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME."

"I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO PHILADELPHIA AFTER COLLEGE."

"I AM SURE I AM SO FERTILE.  MY MOM GOT PREGNANT INSTANTLY W ME AND MY SISTER."


Lord, please could you grant us a healthy, joyful child soon?

body breaking down

1. super fatigued at 9 pm...can barely keep my eyes opened
2. stomach pains
3. feeling full with 2-3 spoonfuls
4. pelvic pain
5. irregular bleeding - cycles are shorter, periods are longer
6. occasional nausea
7. itchiness on back

some of my favorite quotes by Kobe that have comforted me :)

"I have self-doubt.  I have insecurity.  I have fear of failure.  I have nights when I show up at the arena and I'm like 'My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt.  I don't have it.  I just want to chill.'  We have self-doubt.  You don't deny it, but you also don't capitulate it.  You embrace it."

"Learn to love the hate. Embrace it. Enjoy it.  You earned it.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and everyone should have one about you.  Haters are a good problem to have.  Nobody hates the good ones.  They hate the great ones."

"Losers visualize the penalties of failure.  Winners visualize the rewards of success."

"Despite fear, finish the job."

"Life is too short to get bogged down and be discouraged.  You have to keep moving.  You have to keep going.  Put one front in front of the other, smile and just keep on rollin'"

you're stranded on a desert...

in what order would you discard the animal as you go through/survive the desert?

the options are monkey, sheep, horse, cow and lion...

my order before looking at the key
1. lion - because itll try to eat everything or attack me
2. monkey - useless in surviving the desert
3. sheep - can eat and keep warm during dessert nights with the fur
4. cow - at least have milk for past few days and then eat the meat
5. horse - ride it so i can get out of the dessert faster


KEY:
the desert represents a difficult situation and what you will discard in that following order to get out of that situation.

LION = your pride
MONKEY = your friends
SHEEP = love
COW = your work/career
HORSE = your family

dreams

last night i had a dream. 

mom and dad were by a beautifully decorated christmas tree with lights hanging above. 

my mom happily was holding my ~1 year old daughter with pigtails and dad had a tired and very brown face. i asked myself, 'why is he so brown?  is he ill?'

i woke with my thought saying "liver."

now awake and thinking more logically, with that kind of brown toned face, you'd think of kidney problems--the kind that needs dialysis.

but my mind kept telling me liver.  so i texted my dad at 10:20 am in the morning, "Dad is your liver alright?" 

he replied 3 hours later, "I am still waiting for the blood test results."

i froze...okay, calm sandra, but why isn't he questioning why i mentioned about his liver?  i asked, "blood tests for what?"

dad, "to confirm previous test results why my liver ALT went up compared to last year."

my heart stopped.  my dreams were starting to scare me.  how?  even during the summer i had a dream my mom was ill, so i texted her in the morning and she said, "oh yeah, i've been having bad GI issues and had to get IV drip...they said it can happen with age."  thankfully my cousin eventually suggested parasites from bad water in vietnam about a month later, my mom asked her doctor about it and eventually got better.

i dont want to have dreams anymore...

...if they come true for the other ones, then my future is bleak.

praying for you dad that it isn't anything serious.

wednesday before noon

1. shall i go to korea in march?  should i just quit everything and just go?  maybe take classes at the cordon bleu in seoul for a few weeks...
2. so thankful for my dear optometry school friend laura li aka sister li...she has a sweet gift of making everything better.  she reminded me me, that sometimes, we just need someone to listen, not just offer solutions.
3. made a reservation for osawa to have lunch and to qt, ready to try the bento box jessica always recommended me
4. off to see my new doc!
5. perhaps meet up with sara and her boys for tea--lord knows how busy it is for a woman who holds a job and raises 3 boys.
6. plan to clean the home
7. hopefully work on my tote bag and my painting!
8. grocery shop?

i love my days off!

you cannot please everyone

lady patient in her 60s as i walk by

"oh i love the sound of the clicking and clacking of heels!  makes me feel good to hear a woman doctor walking around in the office!"

other lady patient in her 60s as i walk by

"here is the number for the shoe repair shop, they will muffle the click clack sound of your shoes because you know, the sound can be so bothersome."

the power of the voice...or white coat?

apparently at the office, my co-workers say i have the ability to sooth cantankerous older patients by the way i talk and the way my voice sounds.  as carol would say, "i could listen to you read me a story all day."  hahaha granted, my co-workers are always super kind.

but i think it's my white coat.  i really want to my front desk staff and nurses to see the patients talk more respectfully toward them with the white coat on :)

굼굼...

when an actor has to kiss another actor, is it wrong to ask if he or she has herpes?