Choosing to wait

A week after the HSG test, I had an updated consultation with the REI to which he said that we fell under the category of unexplained infertility.  I still had good quality eggs, despite low count, and Alex was a little south of normal (regardless, considered normal per REI).  He gave me the run around without pushing for one or the other (unlike the other fertility doc that said I had limited time and needed to do IVF asap).  He told me (Alex was at work) that we would only have a 2% chance of conceiving naturally and that he would recommend going to the next step of IUI (8% chance of success) or IVF (50-60% chance of success)--confirmed by online research.  I immediately said IUI would be good because Alex and I had discussed about the options earlier.  The REI said that we could get started in June.  All I needed to do was call him as soon as my first day of full flow started--which would be this Thursday (tomorrow) or Friday.

A month before I was seeing street signs that said "June" over and over again, and a dear Christian sister of mine had a dream I was pregnant and would be due in June.  I had believed that something special would happen in the following month.  I fantasized that the IUI would succeed the first time, just like it did for my family member and my friends, and that father's day would be extraordinarily special for Alex and my dad.  I was totally on board with IUI happening in early June.

But for some weeks, as I was reading scripture and praying, I had felt that I was doing things very much under my own control.  That I had doubted God's ability to make me conceive.  That I had distrusted God's faithfulness and goodness.  I was overwhelmed with fear that God would not want me to have children and have me suffer...like I had in the past.  I was afraid to be like those Christian women I saw in Youtube still proclaiming their faith yet desiring for a child during their 4th, 5th, 7th year of trying.  I was afraid of God's plan...Oh how easy it is to forget the grace of God and what he had done for me.  It was so easy to forget that he loves me and would never forsake me.  The world fully abide by science and data--it is ALL according to the Lord's plan.

Alex had also been praying and gently told me he felt no confirmation for IUI just yet.  It broke my heart because I knew I had felt the same thing.  I kept trying to find excuses of doing IUI and that it would be okay--his family member has done it, his sister who was an obgyn had advocated it, Christian mentors said God allowed science to help humankind, health insurance would be readily available (we would have 2 months without good insurance until Alex starts in September), that time was running out, that we would have precious 4 months wasted with waiting...I cried in frustration.  But my heart was revealed.  It was clear: to go forth with IUI would be out of fear and control, not with the mind that we trusted God's goodness.

Sarah tried to control the circumstances and doubted the promise of the Lord--had her very own husband sleep with another woman to bear an heir that would cause discord for thousands of years.  Saul did not wait for Samuel and fought with great futility against an army out of fear and had lost his right as a King.  I did not want to be like them.

So we decided to wait this month of June...
God knows our heart
God knows how much of a rush I feel that we need to have children now with the scientific facts laid out to us...
God knows that waiting this month is like sacrificing a bull for me...
God knows...and he is good.
Not saying that this month of waiting will bring a child of our own--it may be few months, a year, years
As much it hurts to think, it may also be never.
But...

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing?  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O YOU OF LITTLE FAITH?  Therefore, do not be anxious...For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  BUT SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND THESE THINGS WILL BE ADDED TO YOU."

But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things will be added to you.

Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and his righteousness.

I felt so much peace since deciding to hold off.  I would want to publish this right away, today is a Wednesday on May 27, 2020, but I do not wish to boast...

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other ppl in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."

Perhaps in the future I will...as I find more clarity of God's will for me and Alex as a family.

2 days late

cd   30
dpo 17
possible week 5 day 2

I feel like my period will be coming for sure.  My cramps feel exactly like period cramps--except more acidic feeling.  I feel...(TMI warning) like I want to poop which is my usual routine before a period.  I don't have any symptoms aside from slightly sore boobs.  I have dreams, but nothing about conception or pregnancy.

It's happened before....I don't want to keep my hopes up.  I want to pray to the Lord because I want to hope that this is it, but at the same time be ready for disappointment and trust in Him with all my might. 

Do I just wait until my period comes?  Do I take a test now?  I strongly feel like if I take the test now, I will get a definite negative.  My close Christian sister was also late and tested negative... sigh.

LET US REJOICE IN GOD'S DIVINE TIMING.

HSG testing

mini-update:
1. I noticed my period is no longer 8-9 days, but more like 6-7 :) (exercising and sleep helps!)
2. I'm pretty sure I have a mild form of endometriosis, but am thankful that it has not yet affected my ovaries, uterus, or fallopian tubes.  I do have pain upon bowel moments from time to time, more heavy periods, more pain, have longer lasting cramps (about two weeks) and once in a blue moon I will have an excruciating pain where I cannot go to work, am sweating, feel like throwing up and just on the ground.  That happens about once every two years or so... it's worse when I am more stressed, not sleeping well, not well hydrated.  It's crazy because I used to be one of those lucky ppl that never had any cramps with periods!



I was super nervous about this test--I heard way too many horror stories about it.  I feared the process, I feared the pain, I feared the results.  The test was ordered because of the irregularity of my periods and to check if my tubes were blocked.

The night before I prayed to God for a long while and tried to watch things that would make me laugh.  I started antibiotics the day before to prophylactically prevent possible infections and took 600mg of NSAIDs the morning of.  I shoved a scotch mallow Alex kindly bought for me to calm my nerves and bit into my protein bar to have strength for the test.  I reassured myself, 'This is nothing compared to what many other ppl have to go through...this is not cancer, this is not a brain surgery, I would much rather go through this than those other procedures and treatments.'

I arrived there early and they took me in early as well.  The nurse was explaining the procedure and was so kind.  I felt more pale and cold as she explained the steps that were going to occur.  She asked if I had any questions for her as she handed me my gown and socks.  I commented with a weak smile, "I'm very nervous.  I heard it hurts."  She slowly nodded her head and tried to reassure me, "Yes, it is uncomfortable and does hurt, but it'll be done in less than 20 minutes."

There was no going back--they only did this procedure on specific cycle days and it was the perfect time to do it.  I just wanted to get this over with.  I changed, slipped off my underwear, stashed the locker and went on to the sterile table with a lone pillow.

She showed me the instruments and fluids.  She said I was going to be okay and told me where to lie down.  There were no stirrups, I had to self open my own legs wide.  AAAAAANNNDDD this is how it went down:

1. Resident (ooo great, a trainee...) who looks like he is in his mid to late twenties comes in says that he will be doing the procedure on me and makes conversation to help me get my mind off of it.  He is in his final year and was going to do a fellowship in muscle radiology at Stanford.  He tells me his wife is from Los Altos after I tell him I'm from Palo Alto.  I am comforted for a bit, but I asked him, "Did you do this many times before?"  He answered, "I'm trained for this and have done it before."  That sounded singular.  I didn't want to press... Alex was a resident once.  And the truth is: you didn't know jack while training--I KNOW how it goes.  I screamed in my head, "GET ME AN ATTENDING."  But I just smiled and pretended to trust him--because if you don't, it'll make the resident more nervous.
2. He begins with the nurse next to him.  Puts in a speculum.  Can't find the cervix.  HUH?
He asks "You've gotten a pap smear recently?  They didn't have trouble finding it?" 
Me, very uncomfrortable, "...yeah I had it done in September and it was fast." 
Resident, "Hmm...I'm going to get the fellow."
3. In comes the fellow who looks like he is in late twenties also has a fat ring finger on his hand.  (Why do I care if they're married?  Because I feel like they would empathize with me more if they had a wife.)  I was totally thinking, 'Ahh..Alex, too, is a fellow.  He is still learning.  Also, you look young as well...Ahh.. Lord...'  He kindly introduces himself and asks if it's for fertility.  I nod.
He looks down and gives it a go.  He, too, cannot find it.  WHAT.
He asks for a bigger speculum.  OOF.  Does another go and even rotates it--pushes in and out.  I am digging my nails into my hands.  He still cannot find it.  W.H.A.T.
He says the lighting is bad and they all seem flustered.  Going back and forth saying, "Maybe it's the lighting, maybe it's the speculum."  I can tell they are trying to keep a calm face because they see mine--tearing, writhing, twisted, wrinkly, in so much discomfort and pain.  I ask if they can take out the speculum as they run back and forth like lost children and rest for a bit. I hear the speculum click little by little, make it wider and wider and I feel pain and so much discomfort.
The fellow says, "Okay, take a break and we will try again with a longer (LONGER????) speculum .  Dr ____ Let's get the attending."
4.  In comes the attending who looks no more than Alex's age and also with a big fat band.  What is up with radiologists having really thick wedding bands?  Great, they all look young and I'm just a guinea pig.  He nicely reassures me that sometimes these kinds of things happen.  He goes in again and the fellow is holding a flashlight behind him.  There are four sets of eyes on my hooha and the fellow puts in the metal speculum (yeah these ones hurt way more).  I'm writhing in pain as he pushes it up down, presses on my abdomen, and swirls it around.  The nurse sees me and holds my hand.  Comforting me and watching me. 
He says, "There it is!" 
YES!
"No wait, it moved again."  WTF HOW DOES THE CERVIX JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT.  IT'S NOT LIKE SOME KIND LIVING SCURRYING ANIMAL. 
He asks, just like the other two had asked, "You've had a pap smear recently and they never had any trouble finding the cervix?"
5. I ask choppily, "Should.we.get.the.obgyn.to.help.find.it??"  He looks at me sadly and shakily says, "Would you rather reschedule with the obgyn?  Because we can do that for you."  I am definitely having tears continuously run down my cheeks and very mucus-ily and weakly say, "No, let's try it again."  I came all the way over here, endured this and the timing is now...
He goes back down, "Alright, we will find it."  Finally he finds it after a few pushes and pulling--I see the clock, the entire search for my cervix took twenty minutes.  He inserts the catheter up my cervix and has the fellow do the next step.  They tell me I'm doing well and that I will feel a bit of pain and pressure when they put in the saline balloon.  I am still holding the nurses hand, "Okay..." In it goes, I feel like a burning knife stab into my uterus but it's only for a second--nothing compared to the speculums. 
6. They get the Xray above my head down to my abdomen area and look at the screen next to my head.  The dye goes in--it feels warm.  The attending says put the balloon lower about three times and they put dye in each time.  He asks me to shift my body (I know..how do you expect me to move around when there are things going on down there) to the right, then to the left to see the dye fill in my left and right fallopian tubes.
6.  They tell me it's all done and that I did a great job as they take out all the bells and whistles in my hooha.  The attending says my tubes are open and that it spilled perfectly out of my ovary area.  My eyes were still wet, my nose was still red.  The attending says, "I'm sorry you have to go through that, usually it's pretty easy to find the cervix and we are pretty fast.  It's rare to not find it that quickly, but it happens."  I nod and sniffle, "I understand, thank you and sorry it was so hard to find."  He said, "Don't be sorry, you did great and glad that your tubes are opened."  I nod with tears in my eye.
7.  They all leave including the nurse into the other room and I just rest on the sterile bed.  Breathing.  In so much relief that they were opened.  But so much heaviness on my chest...The nurse comes back with water and asks if I want to stay longer laying down.  I said that I will be okay as I sip the water.  She said whenever I am ready, I can go to the bathroom and clean myself up.  I thank her for her help and comfort and head for the bathroom.  There is blood all over my gown--granted some of it was betadine, some of it was my period finishing off...some of it I'm sure was from tearing...As soon as I sat down on the toilet, I burst into tears.  Relieved it was all over, that my tubes were opened, that of course something like this would happen to me, all my nervousness and anxiety just unloaded.

I wish Alex could be next to me during the whole procedure but he had to see his own patients and the COVID procedures only allowed the patient and no one else.  I felt so lonely and so scared--like the time I had my CRVO.  But it was an opportune time, just like CRVO, to lean on God again and again.  He always pulled me out of the darkness, never let the absolute worst happen to me...I trusted Him, I trusted Him...

It's funny because they said the worst part was the ballooning.  It was seriously nothing compared to "Where's Sandra's cervix" fiasco.

Afterward, I tried to stay up and eat delicious food with Alex, but I found myself in utter exhaustion around 6 pm and could not stay up much later.  I even refused Leo's tacos and my favorite evening walks because I was too tired.  Could barely listen to what Alex was saying or joking about....

At the end of the day, I thank God for his mercies, his grace...