totoro tea cup set

Do you know what I'm talking about?

That smell of refrigerated, hard stick of butter cut with a spoon...

That smell of the AC from the car...sharp, cool, and strangely wet.
Or an electric fan. Soft mixture of metal, plastic, and a meal from the night before, arriving in succinct waves.

Sound of cicadas.  Have you ever held one in between your fingers?  They are fat and ugly.
Have you heard how loud a cicada is when one lands on your window screen? You can literally smell their mating calls...so full and reverberating.  It will travel up your nose and vibrate your little hairs.

The abrupt downpour on asphalt on the hottest day.  Take in deep breaths.
The dusty and cheap gunpowder combustion from sparklers, mini fireworks, and shooters.
The moist soil on the regular morning walks at the park next door.

Pass through the thick humid air and you will know who was there a good ten minutes before
Close eyes and use nose.
Cigarettes, beers, perfumes, shampoo, nervous sweat of a first date.

분당

Release

1.  it's been a stressful week and i know it will continue for the next two weeks.  i'm pretty sure i failed one of my proficiencies, but at least i passed my vision therapy one, which was quite big.

2.  i called my grandma to see if she received her mother's day flowers and she told me she had bittersweet feelings because i used my parents money to buy it for her (when in fact, i sold my books on amazon and craigslist).  so that made her feel much better.  she told me her body was not the same and that it was painful to walk.  ughh...it was so hard not to cry on the phone.  i wish i could visit her more often and talk with her more.  she's been by herself for so long....decades....she also told me how my aunt was feeling a lot weaker than usual.  so i decided not to go back to norcal for my break or else my aunt would want to be her stellar host-self and be even more fatigued.  health...it's so important...

3.  words of wisdom from my grandma:
- the sufferings of today will bring happiness tomorrow (sounds so traditional, but it does have a lot of truth in it)
- marry a man with the same food taste as you or else you will be miserable hearing him complain about your cooking (ahh..)
- concentrate on studying hard, nothing else (ugh i hated that one, but it was true.  i must do well, graduate on time, and be the best doctor i can be for my patients)

4. i hate the feeling how i can't treat my parents out and buy proper presents for them.  i don't like the fact that i am not financially independent.  i appreciate it, so deeply, i do.  i am very lucky that they pay for a huge chunk of my graduate school and decrease my loan intrests.  but i can't wait to start making money so they can relax...

5. why is it impossible for me to be with my parents?  i really do envy those who can easily go home to their parents.  does this make me an immature person?  i think it's just that family means a lot to me.  i want to learn how to cook from my mom, i want to go out exercising with my parents, i want to witness the moments that are easily forgotten to talk about on skype and on the phone. i want to be there for them.

6. i want so many things.

7. i went to the korean mart to destress (trust me, it's therapeutic) and came back with eight very pregnant plastic bags to last me the next two weeks of school.  the small and old asian lady from my apartment complex (who walks with her metal walking stick at least three times a day around the neighborhood) was shuffling towards me and asked if i needed help.  i looked at her thin arms and her silver pole gripped tightly with her hands.  in my mind, i was thinking, 'what? you? such a kind heart, but really? what if i said yes??'  of course i said no and was handling it quite fine, but i felt stupefied as i waddled towards my place.

8. reflecting on the type of person i've become this year, i am very surprised and kind of disappointed.  i feel so detached from people and don't want to get too emotionally involved with them.  because i know i can get in deep and can get hurt if i am too vulnerable.  i talk without much thought and am more apathetic if i unintentionally hurt someone.  i must be more careful with what i say and be more attentive to other people's feelings.  "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh word stirs up anger." - proverbs 15:1. i would have never imagined being like this since i do not like hearing harsh words myself...i must not let stress get to me and i must not get jaded.  keep the light shining within...

9. rolled my windows up and cranked up the volume in the car.  felt good..i can still hear my auditory cells dying with that low yet sharp ringing in my ears.

10. i wonder how my sister's doing.  i wish she would be the first one to contact me...

i think that's all i wanted to release.  a day of heaviness...sigh.