Revival

Been in the dumps...it was a relentless past few months in LA

-work was super busy--ended up cutting down more days (actually took one month off to recuperate...)
-alex and i finally took our week long vacation together at home.  it was much needed--work schedules (esp alex's for residency and fellowship) have not been kind to our patience, body, health nor our relationship.  i actually am greatful for coronavirus preventing us from travelling...we just really needed to be at home and REST.  sleep in, veg out, do some exercising, prayer.
-been working out lately--hiking and p90x at home.  thankful for alex to push me to work out



I found out my fertility wasn't too hot.  They actually advised me to do ivf since I had only few more years (few as in..2-3 years per doc) to try to conceive.  This was pretty shocking to me because no one in my family had any problems conceiving several children (my aunt got pregnant twice naturally over age of 40!).  I wish I could do all the testing now such (ie. hsg dye test, blood work ups) but corona virus has put all elective testing on halt.  After those few days of shock and panic of having difficulty getting pregnant, I'm not worried.  It's as though, I'm used to these kinds of news or these kinds of things happening to me.  They happen and God walks me through.  I survive.  Every.single.time.  It can get discouraging and so so tiring at times...but God never gives burden too heavy to bear.


Sometimes I get caught up reading about success stories in getting pregnant, reality stories of how long it takes, and articles on "how to be more fertile"...
sometimes I put in my judgemental self and say "oh i hope i dont end up like those couples that don't have any kids and end up doing dancing lessons/competitions."

lo and behold, two nights ago, i was watching silver linings playbook w alex, and we're like "wanna take dance classes?"  "yeah!"


God always teaches me that I can boldly say so many things and he will show me something else, humble me, yet be gracious to me at the same time.  If I am not careful in allowing my heart to grow bigger and putting down my pride, bitterness will come again and again to consume me and destroy my life and the life of my loved ones.  He disciplines me...I have a terrible trait of harsh judgement.

a few examples:
"I WILL NEVER MARRY SOMEONE IN THE HEALTH FIELD, ESP EYE RELATED"

"I WILL NEVER MARRY A KOREAN--THEY ARE SO OVERLY SENSITIVE, EMOTIONAL AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME."

"I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO PHILADELPHIA AFTER COLLEGE."

"I AM SURE I AM SO FERTILE.  MY MOM GOT PREGNANT INSTANTLY W ME AND MY SISTER."


Lord, please could you grant us a healthy, joyful child soon?