Faith over fear

I am a person who is in constant fear--always expecting the worse.  My husband knows this so well.

For the past year my periods have been irregular.  The usual 5-7 days of bleeding extended to 8-9 days, and the cycles shortened from 28 days to 23-28 days.  This past month, I started spotting late mid-cycle and I immediately searched online for hours at a time of why I am spotting.
I tried to remain calm.  I tried to convince myself, 'Oh, it's just ovulation bleeding!'
Spotting goes on longer than 2 days. 'Crap, is this some kind of tear or infection?'
Spotting stops. 'Oh thank God!'
Spotting starts again. 'Wait what??'
Spotting goes for a week. 'It's cerivcal cancer.  I'm sure I have cervical cancer.'
Spotting stops. 'WTF just happened?'

I can take my mind to very dark places.  I always try to prepare myself for the worse.  I would rather exercise these thoughts than be happy and suddenly be hit with bad news.  Because I have been in these kinds of situations, I felt like the news I would hear wouldn't be as horrible as what I had thought and be comforted in a sense.  But who am I kidding--it's agonizing to go through weeks of mental torture just to have slightly better news.

The truth is...I am afraid to hope.  But God has always encouraged us to hope in Him.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
--Jeremiah 29:11

"And God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
--1 Peter 5:10

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
--Hebrews 10:23

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
--Isaiah 40:31

"If you can?" said Jesus, "Everything is possible for one who believes."
--Mark 9:23

"Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
--Philippians 1:6

"May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
--Psalm 33:22

I had felt my period cramps occur, once again, with absolutely no symptoms of pregnancy.  I knew I was not pregnant for another cycle.  Discouraged, nervous, feeling pressed with biological time, I hopped into the shower and prayed as I was washing myself (I know...but I do a lot of prayer when I am in the shower).  I prayed to convince myself in trusting the Lord's divine timing.  Dark thoughts began to creep up--if only we didn't have to undergo the brutal residency in Philly, if Alex had done it somewhere I had family nearby or had more residents, if Alex was more mature in how to control certain emotions early on...then we would have been able to have kids earlier...I would have enjoyed my life more...I would rather not be married and have no children...down down down, I quickly started to spiral...

But I cried out for sinful thoughts to stop.  Now I know how to stop myself.  I repented of not trusting His plan.  His plan was for me to be married--there is no use in denying it.  His plan was for not to have children at this time.  I reminded myself of God's goodness--how he healed me completely from CRVO, how he was able to heal my broken heart, transform the heart of my husband.  I mean I truly feel like I won the lotto with Alex as my husband.  At that moment...I felt assurance that, in His strange way of working things, the Lord gave us the time of quarantine to heal physically, mentally and relationally.  It was as though the Lord was telling me to enjoy this time of catch up, good healthy loving relationship and alone time.  A time of great peace between me and Alex before He was to introduce anything else into our lives.  I felt God telling me that chaos and busy-ness would unravel as soon as we were to have a kid--that this time was a time of rest and restoration.

I got out of the shower.  All cleaned up with the skin care regime that Alex had researched, bought and set up for me (I was so stressed out how bad my skin had become within the past few months from lack of exercise, energy, work and emotions): pregnancy safe vit C cream, non-comedogenic serum, PM lotion and eye cream.  I reflected on how Alex also had been helping me with sleeping more than 6 hours a day and exercising for the past month.  I was thankful to Alex and had a pang in my heart give him a child (I know, doesn't that sound so TRADITIONAL?? just shows how much my heart has transformed)--how happy he would be, how great of a father he would be...

But I reminded myself that above all my hearts desires, He knows what is best for me and that He makes all things beautiful in His time.  Whether we have children of our own or not, I will declare gratitude and hold onto HOPE because the Lord is good.