Durian

Ever since my experience living with David's mom...I've been craving durian.  She would buy one every two weeks and I discovered my love for them.  I told my parents that we should try it and they were surprisingly open to the idea despite the legendary smell it would have.
We spent the evening cracking open the spiky specimen from Korean market.  Tried to open it like the way David's mom taught me (she was flawless with the art of cutting durian), but ended up chopping it in odd places haha  It was fun.  The three of us huddled around the kitchen floor with gloves, trashbags and a large knife.
It was delicious. Dad ate at least one serving each night from that day on.  We kept it in our other fridge bc of the pungent smell.  Happy happy :)  Excuse the ugliness of the durian.  It was our first try.

Next Park Saeri...

Is definitely not me...
Dad and I practiced at the Stanford driving range.  I can finally lift the ball and go some distances with a 4.  I enjoy golf bc it's stress relieving (except when it comes to putting).  

I recently noticed, as I was watching some games with pops, that these pro golfers have really nice bodies.  I would say these golfers were number one and soccer players were number two,

After golfing, we went to Whole Foods with the handsome gift certificate my dad's former company gave him for participating in their golf tournament.  Spent a whopping $60 on...not much...God Whole Foods is ridiculously overpriced.  On the bright side, I discovered a beautiful thing called Bar Gelato.

Hike

Went to San Antonio to hike with my parents.  That's me by Horseshoe Lake in my mom's hiking jacket, JSA cap I bought for dad, and D&G sunglasses that was essentially "sisterhood of the traveling pants" in sunglasses form (looked good on everyone so everyone bought it at the conference). 
We had Ming's for dimsum afterward.  There were kids performing the Lion dance in spirit of the upcoming moon festival. The youngest wore a mini lion head but it was so awkward and big for him that he couldn't see where he was going.  He violently bumped into a chair with the big head and fell backwards right next to us.  I was dyingg....too adorable.

I kid you not....this is the sexual organ of succulent plant.  I tried to look up what it was because two of these stemmed out of the plant.

It's so pretty, yet.....

Surprise!

Mooncakes and a thoughtful postcard as soon as I came home.  Definitely had a big smile on my face!

Home

It's good to be home.

Gonna be semi-quick:

TUESDAY
- I felt nauseous, dizzy, and headachey.  I was afraid that I had a CSF leak.  It felt better when I lied down.  It may have been because of air conditioning in the house.

WEDNESDAY
- I felt cold and dizzy at the retinal appointment.  I was given a blanket and some water.  It was terrible.  The retinal specialist talked with my lumbar puncture doc and they said if it continued till Friday to go to ER and get a blood patch.  Uhhhhh...okay.
-  I found out I had a macular cyst (I had no cyst on Saturday, but Wednesday it grew that quickly)--hence my 20/50 vision.
- Options:
       1. get treated with anti-VEGF today (ugh...I really REALLY didn't want to get a shot in the eye)
       2. go find a retinal specialist when I go back home (planned to go back on Thursday).  This was annoying.  I didn't want to stay in SoCal any longer...my mom was pretty much shriveled up and my dad wasn't eating good food (he cooked ramen and got a tummyache for two days lol).  But I was afraid that if I were to get a possible infection after my injection and I moved up the next day...wtf would I do?
- Anyway, I thought, "F*** IT.  Let's do it today and move home tomorrow.  If I go blind...then I go blind."
- The retinal doc looked like she was in her early 30s, but in fact she was mid 40s and she seemed so happy and smiley.  She was like "You have CRVO!"  with a huge smile.  I wanted to run away, but later on she was pretty cool.  She's amazing at injections and confident.  She said she would never do high school again because it was so difficult.  She said medical school was the easiest.  "After I took my first med exam, I thought, 'I can do this!  So easy!'"  And then she became a ballin' ophthlamologist.  Life is a bit easier for smarter people.
- Did another FA: still non-ischemic (thank God) and no delay (thank God).  But the ends of blood vessels are starting to become ischemic.  She was the best FA inserter.  No pain.  I didn't even care anymore.  I did a lumbar puncture, MRI with contrast, 40 vials of blood...whatever.  If I get the central vein to properly flow again, it should be good.  But how?  I'm thinking exercise.
- Injection didn't hurt much.  I felt eye tighten with increased pressure.  But it was alright.  The Lucentis was $2000.  Medical bills are racking up quick.  The CRVO support group made it sound like a bigger deal than it actually is.  Perhaps it's because I had a really good clinician.
- Apparently Lucentis can help with decreasing permeability of the vessels.  I was thinking, 'What the hell.  Why didn't we do this before?  My optic nerve could have been in much better condition.'  We'll have to wait and see how it affects my optic nerve.  It swelling does not go down...I may become blind in that eye forever.
- I told my mom to stay outside and not see anything, but she wanted updates.  The other young ophthalmologist (coincidentally Korean) I was with, I asked him if he could talk to my mom with ONLY optimism (If there was something bad, make sure there was a treatment available...otherwise don't even mention it).  He did a good job with it.  My mom's face went from whitish gray to some color.  He gave me his personal number to contact him if I had any questions.  I was thankful for that because sometimes I need answers fast.
- I left the next day, I didn't care much about waiting three days to see if I develop endophthalmitis.  I wanted my mom home and my dad to regain his energy.
- My mom packed all my luggage (I'm not allowed to lift heavy things still) and drove 6 hours all by herself.  She didn't even eat...she just wanted to get home haha.  She is a strong woman.  I hate it when people say "House wives are weak, they just waste their lives."  SCREW YOU.  My mom is a strong lady, a selfless mom, and a beautiful friend.
-At night while lying in bed, I heard my mom crying to my dad.  She was saying how sorry she felt for me that I worked, heard news about my eyes and possible diseases I might have, and drove many miles to multiple examination and tests all by myself over this summer.  She said she never wanted me to do that ever again.  But honestly...I thought I was supposed to do it--I was 25/26 years old.  I'm an adult.  I must admit, though, if it weren't for the kindness and generosity of David's mom, the support of my friends, and understanding of my staff doctor (to take time off whenever for appointments) I don't think I would have done it all of that myself--especially when I am so scared of needles and get anxiety about sickness.  So I am thankful for the people in my life for giving me strength.

CONCLUSION:
- NO AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE (ANTIPHOSPHOLIPID SYNDROME, HA! MY AS$)
- NO CLOTTING DISORDER (TAKE THAT, YOU B!TCH)
- NO BACTERIAL/VIRAL INFECTION (IM HEALTHY, YOU MOTHERFATHER)
- NO PSEUDOTUMOR CEREBREI (well...I was pretty sure I didn't have this, so..)
- NO CAUSE: IDIOPATHIC (good, but sucks because then it could be treated if there was a reason...)
- If I were to have a baby, I'd need a C-section so that I don't get another CRVO...woohoo for pulling out and stuffing intestines in my belly like a sleeping bag!!!!

Currently:
- My head hurts a little less, but I do get hit with nausea.  Hopefully I don't have CSF leak.  Maybe stress. Feels like tension headache because it's the back of my head.
- My stomach/GI system feels very swollen.  I don't eat much because I get full quickly.  I am on zantac because my doctor thinks the long period of taking Adult Aspirin (325 mg) may have destroyed some of my GI lining.
- The blurriness is gone! But a piece of my vision is missing central temporally (more central though).  It's like a C-shaped piece missing next to my fovea.  I am hoping it's just blood or CWS that will be reabsorbed soon.  But need to see a retinal doctor today.
- Contrast sucks and saturation is different from right eye.
- I will start looking for part time job, perhaps at my optometrist's office.
- I will continue drawing and praying....I don't want to give up hope even though I am so thin on it.
- I will not give up.  I will not give up.  I will not give up.

Release

A lot has happened since last post
1. I took a medical leave from school--so I am no longer enrolled this quarter.  I can return next quarter.  But if I choose to take the next quarter off, I will be graduating with the class of 2016.
2. Retinal specialist said, "It will resolve in a month!  Don't worry about it and you can stop taking aspirin."
3. Neuro specialist said, "This is abnormal.  You need to get further testing ASAP because optic nerve should not be swollen for more than 2-3 months with CRVO."
4. So, my mom flew down and I got a lumbar puncture.  I also got more blood drawn. Number of vials total: 36 vials since June.
5. I now see 20/40 out of my left eye.  There is a lot more bleeding and more tortuous-ity with my veins.  Some bleeds have now reached the macula.  It's impossible to read this font size with left eye and street signs till I am about 10 feet away.

Everyone's hands are tied behind their back and right now my mom and I just lie on the bed...just waiting for result and follow up.

Lumbar puncture:
I couldn't sleep the night before.  The risk of paralysis was low, but I was still so scared due to it's invasive nature.  I hate it when they say "risk is low" because, honestly, risk of having a CRVO is low for someone my age too.  But I got it.  So "low risk" doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
I wasn't allowed to eat or drink 8 hours before the procedure.  I looked up online how other people's went.  I was surprised how some got it regularly.  They said they felt intense pressure on the back and afterward they felt pain.  There were youtube videos of the process, I didn't even dare to click on those.
Mom came with me to the procedure room, but I wanted her to stay in the waiting room.  I didn't want her to see because I knew she gets so involved emotionally and reads people so well.  So when she saw me wince when they put in the catheter into my vein for the second time with the nurses keep saying "I'm sorry, I know, I'm sorry", she almost threw up and fainted.  They had to give her orange juice and I kept asking the nurse if she was okay and if someone could stay with her till I was done (which ironically kind of made me laugh and feel better because it made me feel less focused on the lumbar puncture).
The doctor performing the LP on me came in and told me of all the risks involved and the purpose of the LP.  He said that he's never had a patient become paralyzed.  I signed the papers, then he left.
They injected sedatives in me.  I felt an instant effect and the room started spinning, but I somehow was able to fight it and stay conscious.  I continued asking normal questions and asked if my mom was doing alright. I felt calm, but not sleepy.
The nurse thought it was strange that I was so "normal," so at the procedure room...they injected more sedatives in me.  But I recalled everything.  The sponged me three times with the orange dye (that sterilizes my back...forgot what it's called..starts with a B.  I asked if I could hold the nurse's hand when the lidocaine went in (felt like a little prick), then she said she needed to put it down to monitor the xray.  I said okay, then immediately I heard, "Okay needle in...opening pressure 20....1....2...cup 3, please.  Done."  I didn't feel a thing.  AMAZING!
The actual lumbar puncture took about 10 minutes, and the prep took about 1 hour.  I had to lie in the bed for the next two hours with chicken noodle soup and assorted fruits as my lunch.  Until Sept 2, I need to stay rested and well hydrated.
I am thankful I did not become paralyzed, that I did not have headaches (not even a mild one), that my mom was near by.  I can't believe I considered doing this while I was in San Diego and just having my friend's sister drive me there and back.  No way.  I'm very thankful that my mom can cook, feed, and comfort me.

Vision is worsening rapidly and I am wondering if I should go back on aspirin.  I have noticed that my left carotid/venous area does feel sore pretty often.  I don't think I have an autoimmune disease.  I don't think I have a clot.  But I do think I may have something near my venous area on my neck (behind my jaw).  I think once that is solved, everything will return to normal.

I see my mom almost wasting away...she always asks me how I am doing and prays when she is not asking me questions.  I don't tell her of my vision decreasing and the more bleeding because I know it just worries her more and stresses her out.  I know she isn't the strongest when it comes to these things she cannot control...especially when she's just one on one with her daughter who's vision is just getting worse....BUT she's never had an epidural for both me and my sister.  I know she will pull through....Just hang on till Thursday, mom and dad (who is by himself :( and he hates eating alone)!

My friends have been extremely kind and wonderful to me.  Love you guys so much...

I try to draw everyday, but sometimes I don't even want to look at it.  I feel a lot of anger because I am going to be an eye doctor and I can't even treat myself.  I love everything vision related...just observing people's quiet/ordinary actions brings me joy.  I love design.  I love architecture.  I love drawing.  I love reading people's faces.  I love colors, lines--as cliched as it may be.  It's not fair....
It's not fair...I hope this will be over soon.