...I have been not working for the past 6 months.
I am embarrassed that so few things were accomplished during that time. It was a terrible waiting game primarily due to the optometric license. It was difficult to make solid plans because interviews could be scheduled at any time and I was so eager to find a job. Plausible work dates were being made, but license may or may not be in by that time. It was and still is a frustrating time (yes, I am still waiting for my license).
I was so dry, bitter and gave into sin many many times.
I would turn to my parents and friends for immediate comfort. I was glued to social media because it was a way for me to get in touch with people and see how they were doing, instead of me messaging them all the time. I did not turn to God and refused to open up the Bible. I wanted a quick "tangible" fix, I liked that they understood me.
But all their words and comforts would be a very temporary band-aid and I would be back to my upset self. I thought venting to them or having some kind of human interaction would help decrease my negative feelings and anger, but I realized I felt more justified with the way I felt and blow up at my husband. I wanted to blame him that I was in this state because of him. I was unsatisfied with pretty much everything and would make him feel my misery.
My husband was being sucked dry to the bone -- exhausted from resident life, being on call, studying, and rubbing shoulders with acrimonious people. On top of that, he was constantly worrying about his mom, bravely battling the difficult pancreatic cancer on the other side of states. On top of that, he would come home and tend to his wife who had unpredictable emotions stemming from feelings of loneliness, uselessness, and intense dark anger.
But during his MOST difficult time in life, he was still trying to love me. Yes, there were times when my husband fought back. But all in all, he would be the first to comfort me, understand me, affirm me, and love me. I could not understand where he was coming from. How can he love me when he is stuck with, literally, the worst and ugliest person he has probably ever met?
Today, I came across a stranger's picture. She looked so lovely holding her daughter and it seemed like she was getting ready for her sister's wedding. I know it sounds stalker-ish, but I had a strange feeling because I felt so drawn to and connected her. I was surprised that she was also married to an ophthalmologist who was the same age as Alex and went through a similar track as him--took some time off after college, went to medical school, took a year off during medical school to do ophthalmology research, and then got matched to ophthalmology. They had dated longer (seemed like 3 years) and were married for 3 years longer (oh gosh, okay yes, I am definitely a stalker). That meant she probably went through similar things as me: where her husband was too busy and exhausted at times, and she would move around for him and look for jobs. She, too, was educated (much more educated and accomplished than me) and had a professional degree under her belt.
However, the stark difference between her and me was how the situation was handled. She tenderly and faithfully relied on God from the beginning. Just her whole attitude and aura, was graceful, encouraging, and lovely--constant through all those years. There was no bitterness, just endless love and opportunity. Suddenly, I had a pang of desire to have a heart like hers.
So I pulled out my Bible and did my first personal quiet time this year in a long time.
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