Update

Bah...
I turned 26 this past Monday and no longer am covered for insurance, but they terminated me on June 30th. I've called many insurances, they all tell me I have to wait till October, November because of the Obama Care Laws.  What the hell do they want me to do????  Timing is impeccable, huh?

What sucked was that my vision suddenly blacked out on Sunday.  Went into urgent care and was seen by neuro specialist OMD.  Vision came back about three hours later.  She said my optic nerve was swollen nasally, and mildly swollen temporally.  She referred me to a retinal specialist.

Tuesday my OCT showed that my ONH was swelling more than ever and my macula was swelling more, as well.

I saw retinal specialist on Thursday.  Did an FA which hurt so much because the dye started leaking out under my skin next to my veins--it burned like hell.

All in all, my retina is not improving.  There are pre-cursors to neovascularization: vascular loops.  The ironic thing is that its more out on the periphery than macula.  Dr. Yacoub thinks its more indicative of antiphospholipid syndrome or possibly Eales.  Thank God for Dr. Yacoub who is crazy intelligent and helpful.  My retinal doc was basically "Yeah nothing you can do about it."  The ret doc essentially told me that its rare for young people to have CRVO, it's also rare for non-ischemic CRVO to become ischemic...and I was very very unlucky.  He made it sound like I was going to go blind in my left eye.  Immediately I was thinking about how driving would be complicated, how I would have to wear glasses for the rest of my life to protect my good eye, who could love a one eyed girl (ugh wouldn't it be even more terrible if she can't have kids??), and why in the world did it have to happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?

I was trying to suppress myself from crying but just seeing the needle and the large amount of dye that would go into my system, tears just came gushing down.  I kept telling them I was sorry and wiped my eyes, but it just came pouring down.  I tried to articulate, "I'm too young to lose an eye.  I feel so bad for my parents...their future depends on me..." but I'm sure it came out like a bunch of gargle and spit.  As soon as the tears stopped, the doc popped my vein, but like before, not much dye could get in and actually started leaking outside my vein.  Burning pain, but I had to keep my face stuck into the photo machine or else the whole procedure would all go in vain.

FA showed that my arteries and vein fill up punctually like a normal person, yet I have ischemic changes peripherally.  He ruled out a clot, but I am doubtful because I think my aspirin had to do something with it--thinned my blood that it was easier to fill up.  The ret doc then said, "I'm surprised it filled up.  There is a chance it can get better."

Gosh how many times can my world flip in one week?

Even though there is complete filling of my AV, it is a mystery that I am not getting better if 1. I don't have a clot and 2. There is circulation.  So I am going to set up another appointment with a PCP and rheumatologist.  Definitely want another blood draw...even though I still have not gotten used to the past eight needle poking experiences haha...

I really want to find out why this happened... I want there to be a cause.  But I don't know if I am mentally prepared to hear that I have a disease that can cause miscarriages.  I'm not sure how much strength I have.

I think a lot about other things like....perhaps I could have taken the easy path of marrying someone rich and not stress as much.  Perhaps school work and stress prevented me from having an optimal body condition and caused all these issues....Perhaps I should have traveled more or pursued art...before my vision goes down hill...Why am I torturing myself to become an optometrist?

Its all very hard for me to take in and to think about the possibility of not bearing children...going through miscarriages...I don't know.  I try to keep things in perspective, but it makes me more frustrated.  Do I not have the rights to be angry and upset because I still see 20/20?  I am upset, frustrated...I don't feel young.  I feel bitter, old, and emotionally spent.  How do I get out of this nightmare?