Updates as a list (as simple as I can make it)

1. moved to the suburbs - I LOVE LOVE LOVE having an in unit laundry, dish washer, garbage disposal, trash chute, and a mini walk-in closet.  gosh, you have no idea how much i love this place.  i love that we can walk around the area that is lush with green and by the river.  i love that it's nearby a main street.  i love the way the light hits our rooms.  i love how parking is included with the rent.  i love this place!  i was getting so sentimental when we moved out the place from rittenhouse, but FORGET ABOUT THAT DUMP!  THIS PLACE IS AMAZING!!!  i love you, marble bar table.  i love you, our bright wooden floor (it's not real wood).  i love you, next door neighbor cicadas--i welcome your shrill mating calls!  i love you, handicap leveled cabinets...i love you i love you i love you!

2. i am into cake baking/decorating lately.  i know, baking was such a challenge for me, but now i can do it somewhat decently!

3. i got accepted to work at WILLS EYE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!  i thought i was the type who wanted something just cushy and low stress, but since i don't have kids and time on my hands, i wanted to push myself.  i am incredibly excited, honored and scared at the same time.  working at private practices make you forget so many things.  time to get cracking and learn with my husband

4. i love listening to french cafe music--check out "world music ensemble - french cafe" . quite pleasant :)

5. i live 5 minutes away from my dear college friend, helen, and 10 minutes way from my dear elementary school friend, grace! 

Patients today

Most days work doesnt feel like work.  All the loneliness and frustrations I had been feeling for the past 6 months seem to subside when I get to talk to my patients.  I love asking them what they do, their philosophies on certain aspects of life (marriage, children). Today's highlights thus far:

1. A very chubby and jolly 30 something year old middle eastern husband with a thick accent with a gray baby holder strapped across his large belly was so excited to get his eyes refracted.  He came in with his beautiful and serene wife with a very chubby, healthy (loud) 11 month old daughter on her lap.  When I told him he didn't need glasses and he saw very well, he frowned.  He looked straight at me with his dilated eyes and asked me, "What is your dream?"
"Excuse me?"
"Yourrr drrrream (with his r's intensively rolling)!"
"My dream?"  It was such a random question for a patient to ask me.
"I tell you my drrream doctorrr, my drrream is to wearrr glasses because I look verrrry handsome in them," he said in all seriousness.
I looked at his wife and she was nodding and smiling in agreement.  I laughed and told him that many dream to have his perfect vision (he grunted in disagreement) and he didn't have to worry because his dream would come true once he hit age 40.  His eyes grew as big as doughnuts, his mouth opened, and he exclaimed excitedly as he took his mini-me into his arms "40 will be soon!" And he waltzed out the door.  This was my first patient to have wanted presbyopia to happen.  I think he may be my one and only ever.

2.  A new patient, a pudgy boy in high school came in for a glasses and contact lens for the first time.  He was very calm and quiet.  He told me he broke and lost his glasses from playing basketball, he also stated he never saw well out of his left eye (oh great, is this another amblyopia??).  He had high astigmatism and high myopia (which kind of irks me because there are never any trial lenses with his power).  After refracting him, he could only see the 20/30 line with either eye...should I just have him wear glasses for time being and then have him come in later for contacts?  I doubt his parameters are in the trial set.  I slowly started to say, "You will need to get used to glasses first because you have such high astigmatism, I am not sure if you will be used to them in the first place...I may need you to come back after wearing glasses for a while, then do contacts afterward..."
He nodded,"Okay, I will do that.  I understand."
Uugghhh but Sandra, you know you should just do it...he was totally looking forward to contact lenses.  Just try!
"...but let's just try the contacts now, might as well!"  I was groaning as I was selecting the adjusted parameters.
Then we started talking about basketball and he was telling me how his favorite player was Kyrie Irving and how watching the finals wasn't so fun because he liked LeBron.  I started inserting the right contact lenses and as soon as it settled, he had the biggest smile ever.  "I haven't seen this good since the 4th grade!"
I was thinking to myself, it should be worse vision than the glasses...I put on the other one and he his smile grew even bigger (didn't even know that it could be possible).  'What is he seeing??' I thought to myself.
I check his vision: 20/20 on BOTH eyes.  I was immensely relieved and surprised.  Then I started saying some dumb shit like "Omigod!  I am the Kyrie Irving of contact lenses!  Man, I am good!  I am SO GOOD!"
Then patient was laughing, agreeing, and feeding my big head "The Kobe!  The LeBron!"

Asteroid Hyalosis

finally saw one in a long while.

definitely put a smile on my face because I find asteroid hyalosis to be so cute and magical!  Little gold scintillating evenly scattered in gelly matter without affecting the patients vision

not long enough

my hairs were not long enough for waxing.  that or the sally hansen wax totally sucks.

did i mention the smell of the wax?  the fumes have got to be toxic.  do not use sally hansen wax. yuck.

random

this is the first time my husband and i have been apart from each other for more than three days!  he is in california taking care of his mom and i am in pennsylvania taking care of work (luckily work was kind enough to give me another two weeks off to spend time with family).

1. first night i was here, i missed my husband terribly and cried a bit.  but now i am a-okay!  maybe because i know ill be home in a few days :)

2. i think i like hitting balls with sticks...as in...batting cage, yes.  golfing, yes.  pool, yes.  tennis, no--racquet does not equal stick.  i probably would like cricket.  a round pinata? very likely.

3. its nice not needing to shave my armpits and leg hair for the time being.  ive been wanting to wax for so long, but being with my husband all the time made me shy with growing out gross hair to wax (blahblahblah feminists telling that i should just grow it out, LADY, it is just personal preference!!  nothing to do with feminism or social norm.  i just like being smooth, geez).  just bought sally hansen's stripless hard wax kit - #1 selling wax brand in the U.S.A. according to the box.  sold.  never tried it, but let's give it a go...tomorrow.

4. wait, i need to pluck my moustache, too *wince* tomorrow...

5. man, if i lived by myself, my house would be a pigpen.  oh dangit, i forgot to do laundry again...tomorrow.

6. i have been self-employed for past year, and i finally started working at a place that auto-deducts tax, and DANG.  GOVERNMENT BE TAKIN ALL MY MONEY.  it's like 35% of my hard earned money is GONE.  DONALD, IF YOU ARE GONNA DO THAT STUPID TAX REDUCTION THING, DO IT RIGHT.  IF NOT THEN PUT OBAMA CARE BACK ON  GEEZ, YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHmuuccckkkk...

7. i finally got my period!  i was so worried i was pregnant because i was drinking wine!!!!  thank god, gonna go on prenatals, just in case...TMI?  sorry, nobody really reads my blog anyway :) . i was reading an article today saying that age 34 is prime time to have your first kid because you are likely socially and psychologically stable, physically healthy enough, and thus gives a better mortality and likelihood of success for the baby, but 35 is the age to stop having your kid....so uh, hopefully you can have triplets on your first try.  it was a very interesting article on huffington post, and it made me feel better about putting off having a kid for the next couple of years.  although i did stumble upon my friend's post how she was struggling with infertility for two years and just got pregnant--it was emotional and made me think of what it would be like to have my own babies.  and it got me all teary eyed and wanting one...a boy first, then a girl :)

8. i eat pretty well by myself.  pepperridge farm cookies for breakfast, yogurt and welch fruit snacks (i love the grape!!!) for lunch. a whole head of lettuce wrapped around small pieces of spam or quesadilla....okay maybe not...but better than pizza every night, right?

9. song i like these days: Thunder by Imagine Dragons

10. God make me closer to you....

Go!

In about 1 week...

...My husband and I will have been married for 5 months.
...I have been not working for the past 6 months.

I am embarrassed that so few things were accomplished during that time.  It was a terrible waiting game primarily due to the optometric license.  It was difficult to make solid plans because interviews could be scheduled at any time and I was so eager to find a job.  Plausible work dates were being made, but license may or may not be in by that time.  It was and still is a frustrating time (yes, I am still waiting for my license).

I was so dry, bitter and gave into sin many many times.

I would turn to my parents and friends for immediate comfort.  I was glued to social media because it was a way for me to get in touch with people and see how they were doing, instead of me messaging them all the time.  I did not turn to God and refused to open up the Bible.  I wanted a quick "tangible" fix, I liked that they understood me.

But all their words and comforts would be a very temporary band-aid and I would be back to my upset self.  I thought venting to them or having some kind of human interaction would help decrease my negative feelings and anger, but I realized I felt more justified with the way I felt and blow up at my husband.  I wanted to blame him that I was in this state because of him.  I was unsatisfied with pretty much everything and would make him feel my misery.

My husband was being sucked dry to the bone -- exhausted from resident life, being on call, studying, and rubbing shoulders with acrimonious people.  On top of that, he was constantly worrying about his mom, bravely battling the difficult pancreatic cancer on the other side of states.  On top of that, he would come home and tend to his wife who had unpredictable emotions stemming from feelings of loneliness, uselessness, and intense dark anger.

But during his MOST difficult time in life, he was still trying to love me.  Yes, there were times when my husband fought back.  But all in all, he would be the first to comfort me, understand me, affirm me, and love me.  I could not understand where he was coming from.  How can he love me when he is stuck with, literally, the worst and ugliest person he has probably ever met?

Today, I came across a stranger's picture.  She looked so lovely holding her daughter and it seemed like she was getting ready for her sister's wedding.  I know it sounds stalker-ish, but I had a strange feeling because I felt so drawn to and connected her.  I was surprised that she was also married to an ophthalmologist who was the same age as Alex and went through a similar track as him--took some time off after college, went to medical school, took a year off during medical school to do ophthalmology research, and then got matched to ophthalmology.  They had dated longer (seemed like 3 years) and were married for 3 years longer (oh gosh, okay yes, I am definitely a stalker).  That meant she probably went through similar things as me: where her husband was too busy and exhausted at times, and she would move around for him and look for jobs.  She, too, was educated (much more educated and accomplished than me) and had a professional degree under her belt.

However, the stark difference between her and me was how the situation was handled.  She tenderly and faithfully relied on God from the beginning.  Just her whole attitude and aura, was graceful, encouraging, and lovely--constant through all those years.  There was no bitterness, just endless love and opportunity.  Suddenly, I had a pang of desire to have a heart like hers.

So I pulled out my Bible and did my first personal quiet time this year in a long time.