Choosing to wait

A week after the HSG test, I had an updated consultation with the REI to which he said that we fell under the category of unexplained infertility.  I still had good quality eggs, despite low count, and Alex was a little south of normal (regardless, considered normal per REI).  He gave me the run around without pushing for one or the other (unlike the other fertility doc that said I had limited time and needed to do IVF asap).  He told me (Alex was at work) that we would only have a 2% chance of conceiving naturally and that he would recommend going to the next step of IUI (8% chance of success) or IVF (50-60% chance of success)--confirmed by online research.  I immediately said IUI would be good because Alex and I had discussed about the options earlier.  The REI said that we could get started in June.  All I needed to do was call him as soon as my first day of full flow started--which would be this Thursday (tomorrow) or Friday.

A month before I was seeing street signs that said "June" over and over again, and a dear Christian sister of mine had a dream I was pregnant and would be due in June.  I had believed that something special would happen in the following month.  I fantasized that the IUI would succeed the first time, just like it did for my family member and my friends, and that father's day would be extraordinarily special for Alex and my dad.  I was totally on board with IUI happening in early June.

But for some weeks, as I was reading scripture and praying, I had felt that I was doing things very much under my own control.  That I had doubted God's ability to make me conceive.  That I had distrusted God's faithfulness and goodness.  I was overwhelmed with fear that God would not want me to have children and have me suffer...like I had in the past.  I was afraid to be like those Christian women I saw in Youtube still proclaiming their faith yet desiring for a child during their 4th, 5th, 7th year of trying.  I was afraid of God's plan...Oh how easy it is to forget the grace of God and what he had done for me.  It was so easy to forget that he loves me and would never forsake me.  The world fully abide by science and data--it is ALL according to the Lord's plan.

Alex had also been praying and gently told me he felt no confirmation for IUI just yet.  It broke my heart because I knew I had felt the same thing.  I kept trying to find excuses of doing IUI and that it would be okay--his family member has done it, his sister who was an obgyn had advocated it, Christian mentors said God allowed science to help humankind, health insurance would be readily available (we would have 2 months without good insurance until Alex starts in September), that time was running out, that we would have precious 4 months wasted with waiting...I cried in frustration.  But my heart was revealed.  It was clear: to go forth with IUI would be out of fear and control, not with the mind that we trusted God's goodness.

Sarah tried to control the circumstances and doubted the promise of the Lord--had her very own husband sleep with another woman to bear an heir that would cause discord for thousands of years.  Saul did not wait for Samuel and fought with great futility against an army out of fear and had lost his right as a King.  I did not want to be like them.

So we decided to wait this month of June...
God knows our heart
God knows how much of a rush I feel that we need to have children now with the scientific facts laid out to us...
God knows that waiting this month is like sacrificing a bull for me...
God knows...and he is good.
Not saying that this month of waiting will bring a child of our own--it may be few months, a year, years
As much it hurts to think, it may also be never.
But...

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing?  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O YOU OF LITTLE FAITH?  Therefore, do not be anxious...For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  BUT SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND THESE THINGS WILL BE ADDED TO YOU."

But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things will be added to you.

Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and his righteousness.

I felt so much peace since deciding to hold off.  I would want to publish this right away, today is a Wednesday on May 27, 2020, but I do not wish to boast...

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other ppl in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."

Perhaps in the future I will...as I find more clarity of God's will for me and Alex as a family.