When I’m in writing mode for a novel, I get up at 4 am and work five to six hours. In the afternoon, I run for 10 km or swim 1500 m, or do both, then I read a bit and listen to some music.  I go to bed at 9 pm.I keep to this routine everyday without variation.  The repetition itself becomes the important thing; it’s a form of mesmerism.  I mesmerize myself to reach a deeper state of mind.  But to hold to such repetition for so long—six months to one year—requires a good amount of mental and physical strength.  In that sense, writing a novel is like survival training.  

Physical strength is as necessary as artistic sensitivity.

- Murakami Haruki

The Pancreas

 Since September-ish, October-ish, I have had on and off stomach pain.  

the first...very sharp piercing pain that would only be alleviated after two week course of an omeprazole qD
the second...sharp pain but feeling some back pain as well--now a course of omeprazole BID, stool and blood samples for possible gallbladder, pancreatitis or hpylori.
the third...sharp pain, definite back pain, nausea, occasional dizziness--omeprazole BID, endoscopy and CT scan.

Concerns of GERD, mass, cancers now arise from the doctors which is always so scary.  Especially with pancreatic cancer.  

If I had a skewer that poked straight through my upper stomach to back, that is where all my pain is.  The GI doc said, that's what his next question was, the location of the pain.  He said I described exactly where the pancreas is and it didn't help that I also had blood sugar issues which is what the pancreas controls.  

Alex and I know too well of the dismal outcomes pancreatic cancer brings since it took his mom too soon.

I pray that lightning doesn't strike twice...

Death by cake

  It's ridiculous to think that someone would die by cake, but it happened.  Marie Antoinette, a woman born of great privilege (thus a whole lot of unintentional ignorance), was beheaded because of her supposed "let them eat cake" response to the citizens plight of starvation

  The other is likely to be me--also, a woman born of privilege and struggling with unintentional ignorance (truly sorry to those I have offended...)

  I don't know how it happened, but during pregnancy, I suddenly became insulin resistant and it never went away.  My sugars would shoot up even with one bite of bread.  No one in my family had diabetes that I knew of.  How could this be when I often had low blood sugars and would pop in a candy to prevent the cold sweats and shakes from seeping in.  I was on the thinner side and played sports all my life.  Don't get me wrong, I did love sweets.  I could wipe out a whole pack of oreos in 2-3 days all by myself, eat a dessert after every meal, have two cupcakes at a time (maybe a third later in the day), and not particularly gain weight.  I'm thin, I work out, no one in my family has diabetes, and my a1c right before pregnancy was a 4.9 even with all the occasional junk I ate--what were the chances?

  There are days I feel woe and dispair.  Actually, I feel it everyday.  It has gotten less intense now that it's been over a year, but there is still struggle since I face 3 meals a day.  I wish I could just have rice or noodles, something on the side, and call it a day.  But instead I need to fill my belly with protein and endless greens to feel somewhat satisfied and full.  A sandwich shouldn't be something to fear.  On days I am hormonal or particularly sad, I wish I could just have a cupcake.  How easy it would be to make a huge batch of pasta and have it for dinner for the three of us...but I have to make separate meal for myself.  Eating out frightens me in that I have to see if I have the opportunity to walk quickly or jog shortly after having a somewhat carby meal to bring my sugars down.  I have to run at least 30-40 minutes to keep my sugar ranges somewhat in check if I eat a bowl of ramen.  I wish Alex, friends and family wouldn't have to consider my dietary restriction when choosing a restaurant.  It's ironic (sheesh even after that whole CRVO debacle) that I am a doctor who is well aware of what diabetes can do to a person--it doesn't matter how bad your sugar LEVELS are, it matters how LONG you've had it.  I've seen patients with great a1c and fasting numbers but they've had diabetes for 20 years and they are starting to go blind in one eye and their skin is a mild dull brown color with some neck tags.  Holy moly, I'm only 33!  What am I going to look like when I am 50?  Will I make it to 70 even?

  I know how I'm going to die. 
  It's either going to be by:
  1. a long suffering from the slew of comorbidities that the diabetes gift package comes with like heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure, blindness, kidney failure, gangrene limb amputation
  2. cancer
  3. the other c-word: cake

  Should the quality of my life significantly decrease and I cannot take it anymore (oh and I am confident Alex and Nat can take care of themselves somewhat when I'm gone), I will have a three day parade of where I eat delicious starchy and sweet things with loved ones. I'll have bowls of white rice with marinated crab, some pho, some ice cream, some pastries (perhaps jet to France on one of those days), some bread and jam, some mangos and fruits, sample as many slices of cakes as I can, dozens of cupcakes, bags and bags of oreos, and perhaps a boba.  Nah not boba, not a big fan.  Then my body will go to ketoacidosis and I will sign a waiver to let me die when I become unconscious by it.

Death by cake:
1. Marie Antoinette
2. Sandra Lee Juhn

317 days later

 i can't believe i haven't blogged for almost a year.

after some deliberation, i inactivated my optometric license to journey on this chapter of my life as a stay at home mom--focusing on child rearing and my illustrations that i always wanted to do.  i have no intentions of becoming "big" but it is a series of memories and creations that delight me when i draw.

my aunt recently said i look very relaxed, at ease, at peace and it looks good.  i must say, i haven't felt this much harmony in me since...childhood?  though there are many things that are unfinished and still need to be overcome, i am happy.  is that the right word?  i've never felt such quietness in my spirit and i am thankful to the Lord.

everyday i am filled with gratitude.  there are times, i am low on energy and there are things i wish to accomplish but am slowed down by the responsibilities of being a mother, managing myself, my family...but comes joy.  i get to be a mother of the most beautiful child.  i still have my parents who are healthy and well.  my sister is always there for me.  my husband and i love each other despite the grueling beginning we have been through.  yes, i have permanent health issues but i can walk, see, taste...i am experiencing life at the fullest.  the Lord is so gracious to me and my family.

everything is so lovely

Collection

ON WRITING

The act of writing comes a bold release.
What might have felt stuck or unformed--thoughts jumping around inside of our minds--are now free...
In simply writing the words, there is no guarantee.
Not of greatness or eloquence--there is not even the promise that what is said will always be something that we, ourselves, love.
But that was never the journey, never the point.
It is the act of writing.
It is recording our truths as we know them today--in this hour, in this minute.
It is being bold, growing confidence, and remaining committed to the daily journey of becoming.
With no fear of failure, no looking back.

ON OBITUARIES

Maybe it sounds morbid, but I've always been fascinated by obituaries.  A whole life summed up in a couple of paragraphs.  The thing is, there's no way to capture everything about a person.  So you only get the stuff that simply can't be left out. 
What and who they lived for. 
I like to think that, if you were to put a piece of paper in front of me today, I could write out the few lines that will tell the story of my life.  Even if just to challenge myself to say, 'You watch.  I may get a lot wrong, but I'm going to get the most important things right.'
When I look across the whole landscape of my little corner of the world, there are plenty of places that I fall short...sometimes, I can let some of the commitments I've made slip through my hands.
But there are other commitments--the big ones--that I hold onto with everything I've got.
Those commitments I've made that I won't compromise.  My non-negotiables.
No matter how much the details and circumstances of my life may change, and no matter what storms come my way, you watch: I'm going to get those right.
Want to know the truth? 
It's not easy.  It's not perfect either.  But then again, nothing worthwhile ever is.
In the middle of the grind we can become distracted by all the noise...by status, by what kind of car we're driving or getting our kids into the right sports teams or who said what. 
These are all small things, but it's death by a thousand paper cuts to your sense of purpose.  It's different for everyone, and we're all susceptible to losing sight of what matters most.  Especially in a world that's constantly fighting for our attention.
That's the real battle, the one that goes on inside of our hearts every single day.
When I start to feel the pressure of a world that is trying to sway or dictate my behavior to make one of my non-negotiables negotiable, I go back to the list of things in my life that are an unwavering part of who I am.  It took me a while, but do this enough times and you start to realize the importance of safeguarding what matters to you most.
Because I've seen the way it plays out.  People who are willing to negotiate everything can end up standing for nothing.  People who hold fast to their non-negotiables, on the other hand, erase the space between who they are and who they want to be. 
And when it comes to their obituaries, there's no question about what it will say.

ON COMMITMENTS

Summer has a way of shaking things up for all of us.
As we step into a season so inherently suited for seeing things in new ways, maybe our commitments can be one of them.
So that we can tell how they've shaped our place in this world.
So that we can remember that purpose isn't found in one sweeping gesture but in the daily forging of a devoted life.
So that we can trust that our commitments aren't what hold us back, but are the very things holding us up.

Baking bread is dangerous

 Little did I know...

undercooked bread can make you very sick!

flour = ecoli
yeast = stomach pain
raw egg = salmonella

There was a bit of undercooked part in my shokupan and ate it.

Praying I don't get sick....guh.

things to do today

 not much.

won't be working due to COVID.

it's been hot and, i hate saying this, boring.  i can't seem to bring myself to draw--sometimes paralyzed by what i see on pinterest or on instagram.

but here is a list i will try to accomplish today

1. finish rec letter for former employee
2. read at least 4 pages of book
3. translate 1 page from korean book

that is all....really hoping motivation or inspiration will come.  during this time, it's a precious time.  not everyone has this kind of opportunity.